Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML
Today, I lit a cigarette in the opposite direction of the wind. My hair blew into it, and caught on fire. FML
Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML
Today, I was at the airport trying to help a man get to the right terminal. When he finished he turned to tell me "Don't worry, your English is pretty good, considering you're not American". English is my only language. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML
Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML
Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML
Today, when I tried on a pair of pants at the mall, I asked the salesperson if I could have the next size up. She informed me that there wasn't a next size up. I have to LOSE weight to fit into the biggest pair of pants the store makes. FML
Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML
Today, I told the guy I have feelings for that I'm interested in, and asked him how he feels about it. He responded via text, saying, "I feel fairly neutral about that." FML
Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML
Today, after being in the hospital for two days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex-girlfriend. FML
Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML
Today, my mom and I were looking at pictures from the beach. She goes, "That is a REALLY ugly picture of Michelle" (my cousin). The picture was of me. FML
Today, my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I recorded of my sister's graduation from college. I never pressed record. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick for work. Turns out he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML
Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail by the state suing me for child support. I am 22 and still a virgin. FML
Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with, "Who the hell are you?" FML
Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML
Today, I accidentally kicked a child down a set of steps. I work in a kids play area. FML
Today, my friend was picking on me at school by constantly tapping on my shoulder. At recess I had enough. I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, and I drove my elbow into what I thought was my friend's stomach. It was my Principal. FML
Today, at lunch I ordered a Coke. The waiter replied, "Diet Coke?" and I corrected him saying, "No, regular Coke." He shook his head and said again, "Diet Coke." FML
Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML
Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML
Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML
Today, I got on Facebook and realized the only two friend requests I've had in 2 months are both from my parents. FML
Today, someone in class was making a point about premarital intercourse - "90% of teen virgins aren't saving it for marriage, they just can't get any." Another classmate pointed me out specifically. FML
Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML
Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML
Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML
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