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Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 8:23am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

by beautifulme / 01/31/2012 at 1:22am / United States / Kids

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

by Anonymous / 08/17/2013 at 3:25pm / Thailand (Nonthaburi) / Geek

Today, my elbow was having cramps and movement issues as a result of an old set of surgical pins and wires that are being rejected by my body. One painful twitch caused my arm to lock out straight, unintentionally slapping my hand into my co-worker's crotch. Our waiting customers giggled. FML

by SApprentice / 12/04/2012 at 2:10am / United States (Virginia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2015 at 2:39am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I realized I need a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

by bosslady12 / 12/21/2011 at 1:10pm / United States / Work

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

by guessthatsatrickthen / 10/31/2015 at 1:19pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Miscellaneous

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

by emonsteadman / 05/28/2012 at 10:05am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

by oh.geez / 02/05/2012 at 3:00am / United States / Animals

Today, I called the landlord about the mouse I keep seeing in my kitchen. He wasted no time accusing me of keeping it as a pet, and went off on me about his "no pets" policy. FML

by brokeass / 06/13/2012 at 8:29am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was designated driver for my friends. This entailed: standing around in the cold for 3 hours, not drinking, dealing with drunk people, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, cleaning up vomit from my hair, my clothes, and my brand new car. FML

by Coldflame / 03/06/2010 at 10:22am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I sent a text message to this girl I've been flirting with for a while now saying "How about coffee?". To which she answered "Great idea, I'll go and make myself one right now". FML

by Charly / 01/05/2009 at 1:16am / Love

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

by Rothaar / 01/26/2009 at 5:19pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous