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Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

by oh.geez / 02/05/2012 at 3:00am / United States / Animals

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

by guessthatsatrickthen / 10/31/2015 at 1:19pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

by nomorefreehugs / 06/27/2011 at 7:34pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my best friend if he would do me the honour of becoming my son's godfather. He replied, "Um, that's just rude. You know I'm an atheist." Huh? FML

by Anonymous / 07/28/2012 at 2:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I had to show my ID to prove I was over 18. I was buying teaspoons. FML

by I-love-my-tea / 06/09/2015 at 6:30pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 11:34am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

by Anonymous / 08/23/2012 at 3:56am / United States (Nevada) / Work

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2015 at 2:39am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I sent a text message to this girl I've been flirting with for a while now saying "How about coffee?". To which she answered "Great idea, I'll go and make myself one right now". FML

by Charly / 01/05/2009 at 1:16am / Love

Today, I woke up after taking a sleep pill for the first time. I started in on a number of chores including paying bills when I noticed a new charge on my online credit card bill from 1am. I bought $120 worth of meat from an infomercial. It's non-refundable. I'm vegetarian. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2009 at 7:53am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom was feeling down because of her gray hairs. In an attempt to cheer her up, I suggested that she dye them. Her hair turned orange. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2011 at 12:47pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom called me a druggie after she found out I smoked weed once. She's now threatening to sell my car, tell my boss, and ban me from seeing my fiancée. I'm 24. FML

by kp / 09/03/2015 at 12:30pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom and dad went to court to negotiate child support for me and my brothers. During the meeting, my dad was asked, "Sir, are you saying that the only reason you want your sons to live with you full time is so you don't have to pay child support?" To which he responded, "Yes." FML

by vanillapudding6 / 10/13/2015 at 9:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous