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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

#4155124
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22604) - you deserved it (55081)

On 07/30/2009 at 5:23am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas) - moderated by the Jackass crew

Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

#8837524
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22603) - you deserved it (12025)

On 03/05/2010 at 12:17am - animals - by Catois (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my father went out to get batteries for the remote control helicopter I bought him for Christmas. In his excitement, he backed his truck into my car. FML

#6947126
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22601) - you deserved it (2598)

On 12/25/2009 at 10:13pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

#19374256
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22601) - you deserved it (3044)

On 03/30/2012 at 1:37am - misc - by rozziepop - United States (California)

Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML

#11684
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22601) - you deserved it (2316)

On 02/06/2009 at 2:16pm - misc - by alone (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, it was my turn to do the suite's dishes. I was in the process of drying my roommate's coffee mug when the handle suddenly snapped off and the sharp edge left on the mug scraped down my arm. I now have a 3-inch long gash in my arm. I was attacked by a cheap coffee mug. FML

#6351303
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22600) - you deserved it (3501)

On 11/18/2009 at 2:03am - misc - by disheshateme (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

#14543441
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22599) - you deserved it (1783)

On 01/11/2011 at 8:34am - misc - by raiyne -

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

#4774065
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22598) - you deserved it (40075)

On 08/24/2009 at 12:28am - misc - by NotThatKind (man) - United States (New York)

Today, it's the last day of my sign language class. At the end of the class, my teacher surprised us by speaking for the first time, also surprising everyone that she wasn't actually deaf. It wouldn't have been so bad had I not just given someone an answer to the test, thinking she couldn't hear me. FML

Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head. FML

#19099040
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22597) - you deserved it (5208)

On 02/17/2012 at 7:43am - kids - by thatoneperson - United States (Virginia)

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

#19486401
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22597) - you deserved it (1735)

On 04/17/2012 at 8:55pm - misc - by yuuupyup - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I got a two dollar raise. Unfortunately, I recently accepted a transfer to a job on the other side of the state to what was, at the time, a more lucrative position. I can't cancel it, so now I get to move into a pay cut. FML

#20514453
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22595) - you deserved it (5645)

On 02/20/2013 at 1:33am - work - by MeanGina (woman) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, we were drawing self-portraits in school. I'm horrible at art, so I turned to the person next to me and stated that mine looked really ugly. He replied saying, "No, it looks exactly like you." FML

#8557301
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22594) - you deserved it (6021)

On 02/22/2010 at 4:24pm - misc - by quasimodo - United States (Minnesota)



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