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Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

#21346989
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24913) - you deserved it (6340)

On 01/30/2015 at 7:51pm - kids - by 3722145 (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

#13692696
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24911) - you deserved it (9125)

On 11/02/2010 at 8:57pm - misc - by StayPositive - United States (Maine)

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

#14057053
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24910) - you deserved it (4049)

On 12/02/2010 at 4:24am - misc - by e (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got a really bad sunburn. On my eyelids. Who knew blinking could be so painful? FML

#19758610
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24910) - you deserved it (4448)

On 06/09/2012 at 1:54am - misc - by donnap (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I laid in bed until 3am kept up by a house party. In my own house. Which my housemates didn't invite me to. FML

#21425804
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24910) - you deserved it (3021)

On 06/14/2015 at 4:10am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Stockport)

Today, I was riding the subway, reading a book, when a woman suddenly shoved a flyer over my book. Aghast by her rude gesture, I declined to take the paper. I looked over and noticed it was a flyer for a missing girl. FML

#18522067
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24908) - you deserved it (12696)

On 12/15/2011 at 7:37pm - misc - by Ms. Heartless (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

#8125309
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24907) - you deserved it (7505)

On 02/11/2010 at 8:33am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

#13960658
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24905) - you deserved it (6515)

On 11/24/2010 at 10:40am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML

#20175516
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24904) - you deserved it (1516)

On 11/23/2012 at 5:51pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I now know why my next-door neighbour can't look me in the eye without smirking. He can hear every grunt, groan, fart and strain that happens in my bathroom from his bathroom. FML

#14656161
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24903) - you deserved it (3302)

On 01/20/2011 at 10:55pm - health - by Username -

Today, I came home from a vacation. It had snowed, so I decided to shovel the front walk. While shoveling, I found a dead skunk frozen solid on the sidewalk. I tried to pick it up with my shovel, but it stuck. It won't move 'til the ice melts. FML

#14830455
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24903) - you deserved it (2828)

On 02/03/2011 at 7:59pm - misc - by theyreallydosmell -

Today, a woman came through drive-thru and placed a long order while screaming at her kids in back. When we forgot a doughnut, she became enraged, threw her iced coffees at me, told me I was a no-life and that I always get her order wrong. It's my first day and I was only giving her the order. FML

Today, I realized it is now considered normal and routine that my boyfriend wets the bed after a night of drinking. FML

#13446090
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24901) - you deserved it (4487)

On 10/14/2010 at 2:20pm - misc - by Casey - United States (California)



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