Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, I went to my academic counselor to help me deal with my stress and anxiety, which has been making me nauseous from the constant strain. She suggested exercise to help these feelings. Every time I do so, I vomit. From the anxiety and stress. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2009 at 6:35pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

by lingling / 12/15/2012 at 7:57pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, my boyfriend was talking to me on the land line when his cell phone rang. He told me to wait "two seconds" while he talked to a classmate. Their "two second" conversation lasted ten minutes, and now I can hear the French Open on the TV in background. He forgot he was talking to me. FML

by chiclet / 06/01/2010 at 10:34pm / Love

Today, it's the day before my friends' wedding. My dress has not yet been shipped from the online shop where I ordered it three weeks ago, the hand-crafted gift that was ordered last month is trapped at customs and my cats have just managed to open the drawer and eat the wedding card. FML

by myrkes / 09/10/2015 at 7:09am / Switzerland (Thurgau) / Miscellaneous

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

by malcolmXXX / 10/13/2015 at 10:01pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, while correcting essays, I spilled ketchup on a student's paper. I managed to successfully turn it into a happy smiley face but when proudly looking at the result, noticed it was right next to the big "F" that I had graded it. FML

by tirf / 02/09/2015 at 5:58pm / Work

Today, I asked my husband to watch our daughter while I ran a few errands. While he treated himself to a long nap, she decided our fish needed a bubble bath, and squeezed out an entire bottle of dish soap. I came home to bubbles all over the floor, five dead fish, and one sleeping husband. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2012 at 6:35pm / United States / Kids

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

by lageste / 11/19/2008 at 11:37pm / Love

Today, I am spending new year absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with alcohol and strangers. Somehow, I still love her. FML

by / 12/30/2008 at 8:36pm / Love

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2012 at 3:02pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

by Mark / 01/05/2010 at 9:06pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

by yoyo22 / 12/05/2009 at 4:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was doing takeout orders at the restaurant I work at. I spent a long while putting together this guy's $135.00 order. When he finally got there to pick it up, I told him to fill out the credit card slip. I looked at it after he left. He gave me a 40 cent tip. FML

by richgirl / 02/24/2010 at 7:15pm / United States (Alabama) / Work