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Today, I took the train to work. There was an older man standing behind me. Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. It was an extremely bumpy train ride. I could also tell when he became hard. FML

by trainhump / 02/20/2010 at 5:54am / Australia (Victoria) / Transportation

Today, I've come to the conclusion that my phone addiction is getting out of control after I typed my PIN code into the microwave. FML

by Anonymous / 06/29/2013 at 10:57am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML

by KittyNeko / 12/28/2009 at 1:26am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

by yoyo22 / 12/05/2009 at 4:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

by Stumanji / 12/29/2009 at 6:42am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML

by justhereforlaughs / 09/12/2011 at 6:32pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

by sparklethelette / 12/06/2011 at 8:38pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2015 at 1:56pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my best friend has a massive head lice infestation. It wasn't until after I'd used her hairbrush to brush my hair that I figured it out. FML

by caliibbyy / 11/29/2010 at 12:03am / Health

Today, I had the most rancid fart. My dog woke up from his nap and bit me as punishment. FML

by Swabidizop / 05/18/2015 at 4:40pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

by Anonymous / 08/28/2015 at 1:06am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

by worriedman / 07/03/2015 at 11:52am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was at work, the Disney Store. A little boy was crying so I went over to him. After talking to him for a little while I found out he couldn't find his mother. When he became comfortable I went to help him stand up, he choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML

by Ren / 01/27/2009 at 3:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Work