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Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend about having plans on tonight so he'd think I had a life outside of him. All my "friends" are going to a party. I'm not invited. FML

by voltronn / 01/23/2010 at 12:04am / Love

Today, my first date consisted of him and me in the emergency room of the hospital after his little brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat. FML

by secret_source / 05/17/2012 at 1:05am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my home health patient purposely drinks tons of prune juice every night so I will have a huge mess to clean up in the morning because I'm "a lazy bastard" and I "need to work harder." FML

by melikeyturtles / 07/03/2012 at 11:08am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my mom told me that Walmart had called and I had an interview at 9:30. I went to Walmart. They told me they didn't have any interviews set up. I went back home and listened to the voice-mail on her cellphone. It was the Subway in Walmart. I've been looking for a job for 3 months. FML

by Jake / 03/07/2012 at 6:14am / United States (Idaho) / Work

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

by starboy / 03/10/2012 at 1:50am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom made up a new game. She thinks it's hilarious to hide my brother's creepy Batman toy around the house to creep me out. This has been going on for hours and I still scream every time. FML

by poohanne / 01/12/2013 at 1:36am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I slept through my alarm because it was drowned out by humming. My humming, in my sleep. Even my body is against me waking up on time. FML

by anonymous / 03/25/2015 at 11:43pm / United States / Health

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2012 at 12:45pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

by SwAGkiLlS / 07/15/2012 at 11:12am / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

by cuckoo / 08/21/2015 at 11:59pm / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

by technical / 03/30/2015 at 10:50pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

by shea234 / 02/20/2012 at 11:19am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

by Jacquelinez / 05/20/2012 at 2:20pm / United States / Miscellaneous