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Today, I spent two hours driving all over town looking for a store that sold pumpkins. When I finally found some, I was charged ten dollars per pumpkin. Later, I went to my town's annual Halloween festival and discovered they were giving pumpkins away for free. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2011 at 9:16am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

by lageste / 11/19/2008 at 11:37pm / Love

Today, I went to my academic counselor to help me deal with my stress and anxiety, which has been making me nauseous from the constant strain. She suggested exercise to help these feelings. Every time I do so, I vomit. From the anxiety and stress. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2009 at 6:35pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I scratched my cornea and have to wear a large bandage covering my eye. I'm off today, but I'll probably have to wear it to school tomorrow. FML

by / 11/12/2008 at 10:01pm / Health

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

by fml / 09/27/2011 at 3:25pm / United States / Health

Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML

by pizzaface / 03/15/2010 at 7:50am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my boyfriend was talking to me on the land line when his cell phone rang. He told me to wait "two seconds" while he talked to a classmate. Their "two second" conversation lasted ten minutes, and now I can hear the French Open on the TV in background. He forgot he was talking to me. FML

by chiclet / 06/01/2010 at 10:34pm / Love

Today, I had the most rancid fart. My dog woke up from his nap and bit me as punishment. FML

by Swabidizop / 05/18/2015 at 4:40pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2010 at 12:37am / United States (Ohio) / Money

Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML

by embarrassed / 12/20/2010 at 9:51am / United States / Work

Today, I was detained for trying to "illegally enter" my house, all because my parents forgot to tell me they were being evicted. FML

Today, I asked my husband to watch our daughter while I ran a few errands. While he treated himself to a long nap, she decided our fish needed a bubble bath, and squeezed out an entire bottle of dish soap. I came home to bubbles all over the floor, five dead fish, and one sleeping husband. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2012 at 6:35pm / United States / Kids

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out on his deck out back. When leaving, I heard the sliding glass door open on the upper deck, I froze in the yard to not be seen. Too bad I didn't move. Apparently his dad pees off the deck at night. I had to walk home covered in pee. FML

by monkeyzz / 10/12/2012 at 7:11am / United States (California) / Health