Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

by starboy / 03/10/2012 at 1:50am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out on his deck out back. When leaving, I heard the sliding glass door open on the upper deck, I froze in the yard to not be seen. Too bad I didn't move. Apparently his dad pees off the deck at night. I had to walk home covered in pee. FML

by monkeyzz / 10/12/2012 at 7:11am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

by BARF / 04/27/2009 at 9:51am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my parents went out of town and I was home all alone. I put up party decorations such as streamers, balloons and confetti. Then, I drank out of red cups, crushed them up and put them all over the house. I didn't have a party, I just wanted to convince my family that I'm not a loser. FML

by Jaclk / 04/24/2012 at 5:28pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

by Rusty / 07/03/2015 at 3:02pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

by lageste / 11/19/2008 at 11:37pm / Love

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

by cuckoo / 08/21/2015 at 11:59pm / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, I only just found out that the abbreviation "lbs" is actually short for pounds. I've been saying "labs" my entire life. I'm 21. FML

by shtidsfpa / 06/18/2014 at 5:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

by psychworker / 12/15/2009 at 1:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I mentioned to my wife that we should try marriage counseling. She responded by denying it while throwing a carton of milk at me. FML

by crapedup / 10/10/2011 at 7:11pm / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML

by justhereforlaughs / 09/12/2011 at 6:32pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

by fml / 09/27/2011 at 3:25pm / United States / Health

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

by yoyo22 / 12/05/2009 at 4:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous