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Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML

#8994102
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22273) - you deserved it (3273)

On 03/11/2010 at 9:44am - health - by captainkevineff - United States

Today, I was at the local theatre watching "The Nutcracker" ballet with my mother. When the prince made his appearance in his tights my mother leans over to me and says, "Those are some well defined butt cheeks!" loud enough for everyone around us to hear. FML

#6823422
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22271) - you deserved it (2803)

On 12/19/2009 at 2:29am - misc - by Tights2Tight - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

#7350997
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22269) - you deserved it (2723)

On 01/15/2010 at 12:02am - intimacy - by vadoodoo22 - Sent from mobile version

Today, I was pointing out my car to my roommate. He responded with, "Oh that one with the broken window?" Turns out my car had been broken into. They took my CD player, GPS and Ipod. On top of that they left a Reese's Fastbreak wrapper and sunflower seeds on my front seat. FML

#7324506
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22266) - you deserved it (3179)

On 01/13/2010 at 7:08pm - misc - by Eli (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

#21134321
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22266) - you deserved it (46279)

On 05/08/2014 at 7:46pm - work - by notbrowsingnow (man) - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

#12195
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22265) - you deserved it (27224)

On 02/06/2009 at 6:54pm - misc - by IntimidatorStag (man) - United States (California)

Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

#18278500
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22269) - you deserved it (2772)

On 11/18/2011 at 12:54am - misc - by guest - Canada

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

#19297071
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22264) - you deserved it (1847)

On 03/17/2012 at 10:41pm - misc - by vanorav (man) - United States (California)

Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML

#7297825
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22262) - you deserved it (4968)

On 01/12/2010 at 10:27am - kids - by Dr_Dolittle (man) - United Kingdom (Merseyside)

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

#8658326
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22261) - you deserved it (6227)

On 02/26/2010 at 4:09am - misc - by ilovecowboys (woman) - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, my mom came home from surgery. Upon arriving home, she flashed a paper in my face and said, "Want to see pictures of my colon?" My eyes are still burning. FML

#18703060
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22261) - you deserved it (2782)

On 01/04/2012 at 1:15am - health - by emsbuffalo - United States

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

#19421032
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22260) - you deserved it (2849)

On 04/07/2012 at 12:32am - animals - by day001313 (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my wife is totally convinced that she was abducted by aliens last night, all because she fell out of bed. FML

#18464914
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22258) - you deserved it (2241)

On 12/08/2011 at 11:15pm - misc - by ET (man) - United States (New Hampshire)



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