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Today, I found out my home health patient purposely drinks tons of prune juice every night so I will have a huge mess to clean up in the morning because I'm "a lazy bastard" and I "need to work harder." FML

by melikeyturtles / 07/03/2012 at 11:08am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML

by OopsMonkey / 09/13/2011 at 9:43am / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom told me that Walmart had called and I had an interview at 9:30. I went to Walmart. They told me they didn't have any interviews set up. I went back home and listened to the voice-mail on her cellphone. It was the Subway in Walmart. I've been looking for a job for 3 months. FML

by Jake / 03/07/2012 at 6:14am / United States (Idaho) / Work

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

by cuckoo / 08/21/2015 at 11:59pm / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, my fiancée's OCD hit a new low when she screamed at me for flicking the light-switch off "the wrong way". This led to her flicking it on and off about a dozen times, followed by a twenty-minute lecture on how to do it "properly". We're getting married next month. FML

by Anonymous / 07/27/2012 at 5:23pm / Romania (Bucuresti) / Love

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

by ugly duckling / 08/06/2015 at 3:18pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

by lostforwords / 08/06/2011 at 3:10pm / Ireland (Tipperary) / Miscellaneous

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2012 at 4:08pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2015 at 1:56pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I had any kinks, so I told him all about them. He was actually mad because I didn't have the same 'sexy kinks' the girls in porn have. FML

by maybe if i was paid like them i would / 08/14/2015 at 6:42pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I was at work, the Disney Store. A little boy was crying so I went over to him. After talking to him for a little while I found out he couldn't find his mother. When he became comfortable I went to help him stand up, he choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML

by Ren / 01/27/2009 at 3:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

by Anonymous / 07/27/2012 at 5:25am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

by shea234 / 02/20/2012 at 11:19am / United States / Miscellaneous