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That's horrible! Why would someone do that?! Wait until your officially together, THEN come out of the closet? What a heartless jerk. :(

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Sometimes I guess people can be in such denial they think getting hitched will "cure" them, even though it isn't something needs curing and not something that can be anyway. I'm completely supportive of gay right, but this was just selfish and hurtful. He is basically friend zoning her after they are married...not that OP should even want to stay in the friend zone...

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Exactly. If you haven't experienced the kind of homophobic sentiment or actions that lead to people remaining in the closet for years, whether it's from Christian right wing parents, or having people around you agree with the Ugandan death penalty for gay people, or being the victim of gay bashing, you'll realise it's not that simple.

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17-I have gay friends. I know it's not easy to be open about sexual orientation that goes 'against the grain', however what this person did was selfish. Rather than being honest with his/herself and saving OP the pain and heartache, he/she chose to continue the deceptive path that led to this. I have a few friends with very conservative families. They just choose to stay "single" instead of lying to a person that genuinely believes that they have a future all for the sake of appeasin

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26 - As far as I know, self deception occurs among everyone and often depends on the person. This could be considered selfish, if he didn't take the time to think it all out and explain, but continued to lie to himself, which is always easier.

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I agree, but some people who marry with questioning sexuality usually end up still loving their spouse, despite. Not the case here though OP.. This was just selfish

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Sadly, they convince themselves that getting married will "cure" them (not realizing that homosexuality is neither acquired nor a choice). When the big day comes and he or she magically hasn't lost their sexual orientation, first comes panic, then depression, then outting. I feel bad for both people here.

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People shouldn't be getting married if they're questioning the relationship for any reason. It's not just a Facebook status this time, you should be completely sure you can commit to it.

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I'm not saying what he did was the right thing to do, but when you understand the myriad of reasons that drive people to closeting themselves and trapping themselves in loveless relationships, it becomes understandable, for me at least. I see it as being an FML for both of them. For her, she gets her heart broken and he had to make the decision to either break her heart or carry on lying to both of them for the rest of their lives.

That's horrible! Why would someone do that?! Wait until your officially together, THEN come out of the closet? What a heartless jerk. :(

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36- if that was towards me [which it seems to be], I already stated a lot of what you just said in my previous comments. No one here could ever truly know what led to the deceit, however it still doesn't make it right.

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People don't understand fully, they think they do, or they may have an idea. But like with everything in life it isn't black and white. Even though people wish it was.

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I'm probably going to get a tons more thumbsdowns from people for this, but as someone who struggled to make themselves straight and struggled with their sexuality for years (before anyone asks, no I did not get into a relationship with an opposite sex person), I can honestly say.... I only wish things were as simple as the people on this FML like to think.

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I can see where you're coming from, Soylent, but despite the pressures OP's spouse may have had to endure, you cannot morally justify breaking another person's heart like this. I've had my fair share of struggles with identity - I've known for the past fifteen years I should have been born a boy, but only came out as trans this past February - but no matter what I've gone through, if I've hurt people with my actions, I've taken responsibility rather than trying to shift blame. Furthermore, not

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I'm sorry for your struggles 71. I hope everyone who is important to you has accepted this new choice well and that try all love and respect you :) I agree with you. It is sad for OP to be married and be happy then find out that their partner has deluded themselves. But I do feel bad for the spouse.

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90, most people have. The hardest part was telling my girlfriend, so I can definitely sympathise with OP's spouse. Thank you for your kind words!

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As a gay man I find what OP's husband did offensive. It's the year 2012. Times have changed so much. there is absolutely no excuse to have a beard marriage and ruin an unsuspecting woman's life. 100 yeas ago? I could see someone doing this. 50 years ago? Yes. In the 1980s and 90s? I could slightly excuse that. Now? No. OP's husband had many many MANY options but was too scared to face them.

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I totally agree with you 87, however it could have been a case of 'not being completely sure about their sexuality', and unfortunately, their marriage confirmed his homosexuality. He could have thought the feelings he were having were fleeting, and would disappear with marriage.

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122- If a person is "not completely sure" of their sexuality and having doubts, then that is reason enough to NOT get married.

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Would have been better, but it's still better then telling them after twenty years of marriage, a considerable amount of the mortgage paid and three children.

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Ok we get it. I have read each of your comments and I do think you have a point. But is is still ok to excuse ruining a woman's happy life? Ruining the future she expected to have with her spouse? I'm sorry and I do feel bad for the spouse but OP is the one who has to deal with this.

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Op has to pay for a divorce or at the very least go though the process and will have to try and rebuild their life after this. I feel bad for the spouse. I really do, but OP can't be written off just because they don't have to deal with it 20 years and three kids down the road. It is MORALLY wrong.

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66 - you keep beating the same drum over and over and OVER again, and its diminishing your points and making you come across as obnoxious. Which is unfortunate, because you make some valid points. The only one I really disagree with is the "coming out after decades of marriage" point. At that point in most marriages, the spouse knows something is up and is waiting and ready when the gay spouse finally comes out. Usually, from my experience, the gay spouse feels enormous guilt at "

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96, forgive me for being stupid, but is the point you made really "it's better to be lied to, have kids, and after years of happiness think your spouse is gay, only to have them tell you..."?? I mean, if I were in OP's shoes, I'd rather be told sooner than later. You can find someone else, it sucks that this happened, but at least OP isn't 20 years out of the dating game and trying all over from scratch.

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I don't really understand the "ruining a woman's happy life" part. If it's built on someone desperately trying to change a part of themselves they can't change, how is it a happy life? I'd much rather have them tell me as close to the beginning as possible, then have a lifetime of someone staying with me out of guilt or obligation. Doesn't OP deserve the chance to go out and find someone who genuinely loves her for who she is, rather then someone whose lying to himself and to her? I

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106- You just proved the point we were trying to make all along. The spouse should have told OP SOONER, BEFORE they got married. Divorce would have been avoided, and OP could move on to someone else easier. The spouse's actions are not justifiable just because "it's hard". Tell sooner. Why do BOTH have to suffer?

Wow, the way its worded it would seem that they had very recently gotten married, so one would think that their new spouse had been questioning their sexuality for a while. Really tough luck OP, FYL, maybe there's still a chance for an annullment?

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He disowned his family? Sorry, no sympathy for him. Considering how many gay and lesbian couples are desperately trying to adopt but are being denied the chance to do so because of their sexuality, it's really disgusting that your uncle disowned his children. He has the right to find love with another man, but no right to disown the children he brought into this world. It's no better then a guy dumping his family for the office slut and writing his children out of his life.

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@52 No it wasn't. Every time OP went through the wardrobe she ended up Narnia.... seemed pretty normal.

Sounds like one hell of an FML for both of you. Let's face it though, at least you didn't find he'd been having anonymous affairs with other men ten years down the line when you had had a kid and with another one on the way. If only it had come before it had gotten this serious, because it's the sooner the better with these things. It just shows how the homophobia that exists today doesn't just damage gay people, it also hurts straight people as well. OP could have been spared a lot of pain

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If only it was that simple. Then no one would have to be gay and have to deal with right wing crazies and pearl clutching cultural control freaks trying to meddle with their personal lives and trying to restrict their rights or potentially face torture or the death penalty in countries like Iran.

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13 - I defended your downvoted comment in the last FML, but not a chance in hell would I here. This is one of the most ignorant comments I've ever read on this site.

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Hey I say give counseling a shot. I doubt it will do anything about him being gay, but at the very least it will let you two air everything out.

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Are you one of those "sexuality is taught" theory pushers? He's gay, not depressed. Btw 19, I couldn't have laughed harder. I almost woke up my husband...

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70, let's say your lesbian friend marries a dude. Do you think marriage counselling with help with the fact that she isn't going to want his penis? I wouldn't marry my best friend. She's a doll and I love her, but I intend to marry my girlfriend, because I'm romantically and physically attracted to her.

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How can your best friend be a lesbian and you make this comment. If she married a guy, would you encourage counseling? I sincerely hope not. Counseling may have helped the FRIENDship had he done it before saying "I Do."

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