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Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

by Drunk / 09/13/2010 at 7:40pm / United States (Alabama) / Work

Today, my little sister came up to me holding up my phone. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't dropped it in the toilet first. FML

by _Domster_46 / 05/04/2015 at 11:39am / United States (Michigan) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was in a toilet cubicle, when I overheard two of my friends at the sink talking about how ugly and skinny I was. FML

by Youknowwho / 01/17/2009 at 9:55pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

by potheadloljk / 12/01/2012 at 9:01pm / United States (Maine) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

by seriously / 03/04/2013 at 7:43pm / United States (Indiana) / Work

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

by Anonymous / 07/12/2015 at 3:39pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I found a $10 bill on the ground. I got so excited and felt like I was the richest person alive. That was, until the wind blew it out of my hand, never to be seen again. FML

by MoneyMoneyMoneyMonayMONAY / 03/21/2012 at 4:13pm / United States / Money

Today, I was texting two people at once. Trying to respond to my friend's text, I accidentally clicked on this guy's name instead, who I've never met. He just told me about his grandma's funeral he went to that was an open casket. I responded with, "Haha wow you slut, I'm sure you were aroused." FML

by ohhotdamn / 03/25/2009 at 10:48pm / United States (Kansas) / Geek

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

by russty / 01/17/2010 at 12:45pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2015 at 11:47am / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML

by nato / 11/27/2012 at 8:16am / United States / Work

Today, I babysat for my neighbor's brat kid. The mom gave me $15 for 5 hours. I complained to my mom when I got home because last time I got $15/hour. Turns out my mom had told my neighbor that she thought they'd paid me too much last time. Thanks mom. Thanks. FML

by Thanks a lot / 10/22/2015 at 9:27pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I was pregnant. His response? "That's neat. But we can still have sex, right?" FML

by sunlightchild_14 / 09/13/2009 at 3:04am / United States (South Dakota) / Intimacy