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Today, I was brushing my teeth. When it came time for me to spit, I absentmindedly opened the bathroom drawer and spat in there instead of in the sink. FML

by 30000 / 01/01/2015 at 10:38pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her: my 17-year-old cousin. I went to my parents' unoccupied bedroom. My sister's baby walkie-talkie was switched on, and the whole family heard me. FML

by VIVI / 10/25/2008 at 12:55pm / Intimacy

Today, I sent a get well card to my friend. it wasn't until after I got home from posting it did I realise that the stamps I put on the envelope had the phrase "Let's Get Active" on them with drawings of people playing sports. My friend is in a wheelchair. FML

by Insensitive / 11/14/2009 at 5:26pm / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

by James / 03/30/2012 at 2:44pm / United States / Kids

Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML

by hustled / 08/23/2012 at 8:05pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2013 at 4:27pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I was quite happily glossing my new bathroom door, when my useless, alcoholic, housemate came rolling in, knocked the paint over, stood in it and without realising, walked it all the way down the stairs. I had just had a brand new carpet fitted. FML

by Heather / 03/04/2010 at 7:49am / United Kingdom (Bath and North East Somerset) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found a $10 bill on the ground. I got so excited and felt like I was the richest person alive. That was, until the wind blew it out of my hand, never to be seen again. FML

by MoneyMoneyMoneyMonayMONAY / 03/21/2012 at 4:13pm / United States / Money

Today, my little sister came up to me holding up my phone. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't dropped it in the toilet first. FML

by _Domster_46 / 05/04/2015 at 11:39am / United States (Michigan) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found my brother tampering with my laptop. He had changed the entire settings, in ways I don't even know how to fix. I finally had to get my mom to threaten him to change it back to its original setting. I'm 15. He's six and can barely get dressed by himself. FML

by fmlforreal / 10/15/2010 at 4:33am / Singapore / Geek

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

by Anonymous / 07/12/2015 at 3:39pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2011 at 2:22am / Australia / Animals

Today, my new anti-social cat started rubbing on my leg. I thought she must be warming up to me. Then, I looked at my leg and saw she smeared poo all over my work pants. FML

by Brinty / 03/13/2010 at 12:18am / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals