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Today, I realised that my staff doesn't take me seriously. I walked in on my chef, who had just spent an hour and half a block of cheese carving cheddar goggles for himself. When I confronted him, he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a cocktail sausage taped to his stomach. FML

#8819717
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18618) - you deserved it (5029)

On 03/04/2010 at 7:43am - work - by Garry (man) - United Kingdom (Bath and North East Somerset)

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

#20040720
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18618) - you deserved it (5903)

On 08/25/2012 at 9:15am - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I went to see my boyfriend for comfort because I was in so much pain. The first thing he asked me when I saw him with huge cheeks? When would be the next time I could give him a blowjob. FML

#8771730
225 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18616) - you deserved it (3501)

On 03/02/2010 at 11:58am - intimacy - by fatcheeks (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML

#14802825
271 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18616) - you deserved it (64680)

On 02/01/2011 at 9:32pm - intimacy - by seepeezy32 -

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

#16030351
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18614) - you deserved it (27690)

On 05/03/2011 at 8:15am - love - by cbolig -

Today, my crush came over and we began to fool around. He started to kiss my stomach, and just when I was getting into it, he pulled away with a disgusted look on his face, wiped his mouth, and said, "We'll continue this when you get rid of all your bellybutton lint." FML

#3740095
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18611) - you deserved it (56941)

On 07/14/2009 at 5:41am - intimacy - by unlucky_number13 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I spilt purple washing detergent all over my white carpet. Desperate to get it up I grabbed a blue towel and started mopping it up. The detergent hasn't stained the carpet at all, the blue dye from the towel has. FML

#3089215
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18612) - you deserved it (30825)

On 06/21/2009 at 12:20pm - misc - by carpetoops (woman) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. FML

#4994251
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18610) - you deserved it (7677)

On 09/02/2009 at 4:41am - intimacy - by Mdrk783 (man) - United States

Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML

#16141236
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18608) - you deserved it (50774)

On 05/12/2011 at 7:09am - love - by Username -

Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he could swim in the waterpark. Just before I finished, he coughed all over my hands and arms. I finished and looked up at the boy just in time for us to make eye contact and for him to cough directly into my face. FML

#1471
14 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18607) - you deserved it (1955)

On 01/17/2009 at 3:57pm - kids - by kallens - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I had my first accident in 5 years of driving. I clipped a Ford Fiesta, mirror to mirror. His mirror is totally destroyed. Mine is fine. I was so stressed afterwards that I reversed straight into another car. FML

#20070204
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18606) - you deserved it (7517)

On 09/13/2012 at 1:25pm - money - by Arcam (man) - United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of)

Today, I bid on an item on eBay, only to find the exact item I wanted later while out in the city. I bought it, assuming I would be outbid, as always. Nope. FML

Today, my anxiety was so bad that when I was riding my bike on the side walk and two pedestrians came walking in the opposite direction, I got so nervous about having to go between them or accidentally hitting them that I fell off my bike, into a bush. FML

#19434404
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18602) - you deserved it (4942)

On 04/09/2012 at 1:31am - misc - by sydstreet - United States (Texas)



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