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Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

by better late than never / 05/08/2015 at 5:32pm / Health

Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2015 at 5:18am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

by Muffinhater / 12/23/2009 at 10:21pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to see my banker. As we were finishing everything up, I leaned forward to sign something. As I went back to sit down, my 2 year old pulled the chair out from under me, and I crashed down to the floor. FML

by Gretchen / 02/24/2011 at 8:56pm / Kids

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML

by Anonymous / 03/29/2012 at 1:04am / United States / Love

Today, I got an angry call from my 7-year-old son's school. It turned out that while doing a "what I want to be when I'm older" assignment, he wrote that he wants to be an internet troll so he can make people mad and make them kill themselves. FML

by Anonymous / 09/23/2015 at 11:48am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

by jarrettsorko / 08/23/2011 at 12:38pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

by someonesomething / 12/05/2009 at 6:24am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

by jigglypuff100 / 12/19/2011 at 7:56pm / United States / Work

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

by aliqi / 05/12/2012 at 4:48pm / United States / Animals

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

by gross / 10/20/2010 at 12:14pm / Australia / Love

Today, a truck rear-ended my car and drove off. I could see everything from my office, everything except his license plate. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2012 at 8:43am / Norway / Transportation

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

by DaveAlmighty / 04/24/2012 at 7:59pm / United States / Kids