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Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML

by Aaron Lewis / 07/07/2012 at 1:01am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor and I learned why fireworks are illegal in city limits. This lesson was learned shortly after a roman candle came crashing through my second story window. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2011 at 12:30am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, a truck rear-ended my car and drove off. I could see everything from my office, everything except his license plate. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2012 at 8:43am / Norway / Transportation

Today, I went to the doctor to get a blood test and I started crying when I saw the needle. I planned on becoming a doctor. FML

by Caroline / 02/24/2013 at 4:34am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Health

Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her: my 17-year-old cousin. I went to my parents' unoccupied bedroom. My sister's baby walkie-talkie was switched on, and the whole family heard me. FML

by VIVI / 10/25/2008 at 12:55pm / Intimacy

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2010 at 9:49pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

by Tyler Smith / 11/03/2011 at 7:48am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé changed his text message tone to a fart noise. He thinks it's hilarious and laughs every time he gets a text. He's 35 years old. FML

by AMP4U / 08/30/2011 at 9:28pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

by DaveAlmighty / 04/24/2012 at 7:59pm / United States / Kids

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

by amorousintx / 09/26/2010 at 7:58pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

by Beepbeepbeep / 08/31/2011 at 10:50pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a cute girl's number for the first time. Too bad it was because she rear ended my car. FML

by Anonomous / 01/26/2015 at 10:48am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, a customer left their cell phone behind. I tried to see if there were any pictures so that I could identify them. No, I still don't know what they look like, but I have seen their penis. FML

by khaelian / 12/08/2010 at 6:47am / Intimacy