Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

by Dv0829 / 10/21/2011 at 1:42am / United States (Utah) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend said he was going to give me breakfast in bed before he left. He walked over, threw some granola bars on the bed next to me and left. FML

by still hungry / 04/21/2012 at 9:04am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML

by Aaron Lewis / 07/07/2012 at 1:01am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

by areyoukiddingme / 10/01/2015 at 1:56am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

by amorousintx / 09/26/2010 at 7:58pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was walking in the shoes I'm going to wear for a wedding and fell, spraining my ankle. I'm the Matron of Honor and I can barely walk. The wedding is in three days. FML

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

by Lionman / 04/05/2012 at 1:11am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You are such a cute couple!" FML

by running scared / 04/08/2016 at 5:40am / Norway / Love

Today, I had to tell my wife that the new "vegan" diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It's not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML

by kohler9790 / 02/21/2012 at 8:29pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML

by Laurendorcus / 03/14/2010 at 7:13pm / Work

Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2010 at 3:28pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

by / 01/01/2009 at 10:38am / Health

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

by bjevilcat2 / 10/18/2010 at 2:02pm / United States / Health