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Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

#19914147
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19861) - you deserved it (10619)

On 07/09/2012 at 11:09am - love - by randomguy (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I discovered how startling it is to wake up by having your cat springboard off your face. The intended prey? Two fornicating geckos on the ceiling. FML

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

#6676757
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19862) - you deserved it (4057)

On 12/09/2009 at 4:20am - intimacy - by dfkjhregoiuberiug (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my grandpa came over to help paint our house, as we are renovating it. The only paint clothes he decided to wear were his underpants. The neighbours and builders found this quite amusing. FML

#14706670
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19857) - you deserved it (2425)

On 01/25/2011 at 4:14am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, while I was out shopping, my pants decided that they just didn't have enough holes in them, and ripped a new one in the crotch. FML

#18864007
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19857) - you deserved it (4864)

On 01/20/2012 at 6:33pm - misc - by Anonymous - France

Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

#20090663
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19857) - you deserved it (6358) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 09/27/2012 at 12:10am - health - by Display - Sent from mobile version

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

#19693767
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19855) - you deserved it (4917)

On 05/28/2012 at 2:02pm - intimacy - by Danny (man) - Ireland (Dublin)

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

#20197580
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19850) - you deserved it (9666)

On 12/09/2012 at 11:29am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I forgot what I was doing while listening to a voicemail and started talking back to it. FML

#17918241
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19847) - you deserved it (9986)

On 10/06/2011 at 6:46am - misc - by xoccerplaya - United States (Hawaii)

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

#811533
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19848) - you deserved it (73527)

On 04/05/2009 at 1:20am - misc - by oops (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

#11895000
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19845) - you deserved it (24769)

On 07/15/2010 at 5:31am - misc - by bigmikenyc - United States

Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML

#19742192
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19845) - you deserved it (2455)

On 06/06/2012 at 1:23am - health - by 635CSi (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital. He and his friends got the bright idea of recording a re-enactment of a scene from Fight Club for a YouTube video. It ended as soon as my husband caught a fist to the gut and started violently puking all over our basement floor. FML

#19782918
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19844) - you deserved it (2125)

On 06/13/2012 at 4:38pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - Netherlands



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