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Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my dad about my worries for my mental health. He then told me about the tracking device the aliens had implanted in his hand when they abducted him. There's nothing like family. FML

by flibbertigibbet / 05/07/2015 at 4:56pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was convinced to face my fears of rollercoasters by a friend. I'm writing this at the highest point of the ride after being stuck over thirty minutes. FML

by VHBJ / 09/14/2015 at 1:54pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that my sleep-walking is so bad that I regularly text my friend while I sleep. I have no idea how many times this has happened. FML

by I'm screwed / 01/12/2013 at 8:30pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML

by foxownerapperantly / 06/07/2015 at 5:48pm / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Transportation

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

by suuuuuupucci / 12/25/2009 at 1:25am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

by tycrist8 / 06/26/2015 at 7:32pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I attended a focus group. Since I've been unemployed for a month now I thought the $60 would come in handy. By the time I finished someone had broken into my car, stole my GPS and MP3 player. FML

by unlucky / 11/09/2009 at 10:16pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

by evilwater / 07/15/2011 at 1:21pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was T-boned while going through an intersection. The guy who hit me accused me of not using my turn signal. I was going straight. FML

by mdp624 / 08/16/2012 at 8:10am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I woke up after a night of New Year's Eve partying. I remember the night going great. What I don't remember is laying naked in the shower while my girlfriend ran water over my body to make me feel better. I also made my own funeral plans because I was convinced I was going to die. FML

by CK95 / 01/01/2015 at 6:02pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking about an essay I'd written for a class that was due to be turned in online days ago. I thought mine was well written and I'd even finished it a couple of days early so I wouldn't forget about it. After a few minutes of talking and feeling proud, I realized that I forgot to turn it in. FML

by Akoni / 03/26/2015 at 5:53am / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML

by intheairtonight / 04/25/2012 at 2:22am / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy

Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML

by Annie / 11/22/2009 at 5:07pm / Mexico (Coahuila de Zaragoza) / Animals