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Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

by slayerdeath / 05/20/2012 at 1:19am / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right, she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2012 at 9:32pm / United States / Kids

Today, for the second time, I had an argument with my mother about whether William Shakespeare was a real person or not. FML

by ohno / 03/17/2015 at 4:35pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

by Iarla_ceapaire93 / 06/16/2015 at 1:27pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Health

Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML

by spiderchick23 / 02/09/2011 at 7:41pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

by tehaustiebear / 10/03/2012 at 6:03pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me for my birthday. Over dinner he handed me a blank card that had the words "I love you" hastily written on it. When the waiter came to take our order he informed him that we'd be paying separately. Happy Birthday. FML

by nicegirl08 / 01/20/2009 at 5:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his boss so he could get a promotion and "provide" for us. This from the guy who made me quit my job because he said he made enough money to support us both. FML

by dtack2tack / 07/09/2015 at 9:42am / United States / Love

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

by bureaucratic assfuckery / 01/04/2013 at 3:51pm / United States (Maryland) / Health

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

by superhero1043 / 05/14/2010 at 1:01am / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

by PicklesMcRaptor / 03/25/2012 at 7:59am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, a customer limped over to me in one of the dishwasher aisles and asked if we sold dishwashers. I said yes and pointed at all the dishwashers. He looked around for a couple of seconds, belched, then said "Oh... right!" and walked off. No commission for me, then. FML

by ChimerV / 11/15/2014 at 1:20pm / France (Lorraine) / Work

Today, I went in to a job interview with 6 other girls my age. I tried to sit down on a chair exactly like the ones every other girl was sitting on. Then, one of the interviewers offered to get me a more "sturdy" chair. For the entire interview, I got to sit in the "fat girl chair". FML

by HellaBomber91 / 02/11/2010 at 3:15pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous