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Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

by tehaustiebear / 10/03/2012 at 6:03pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a fifth grader gave me a note from his "father" excusing him from PE. It was riddled with spelling errors and shockingly poor grammar, so I rejected it as a blatant fake. Several hours later, I was informed by his very angry father that it wasn't actually fake. FML

by shit.jpg / 08/25/2015 at 3:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML

by LilPie / 11/19/2015 at 5:10pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

by Username / 02/24/2010 at 10:06am / Intimacy

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to put my bra on. FML

by anniemeece / 04/07/2012 at 11:15am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I discovered that my new college roommate not only makes casual conversation about his bowel movements, he also names them. FML

by Bill / 08/18/2011 at 7:44pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML

by thegirlwiththedumbassbf / 03/23/2016 at 6:58pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I fell down the stairs while reading the 'mind your step' sign. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2010 at 3:20pm / United Kingdom (Staffordshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

by Anonymous / 12/27/2011 at 9:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking in the freezing rain when a guy asked me if I wanted to share his umbrella with him. I grinned and told him I did. He then noticed a pretty girl walking behind me and he abruptly turned to her and asked her the same question. FML

by FML_Elle / 10/06/2012 at 11:52am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my co-worker insisted there must be an underlying, romantic reason for why I spend so much time teaching him everything, and that I didn't mean it when I told him that's what I'm paid to do. I'm actually supposed to train this guy for three weeks. Two more weeks to go. FML

by Anonymous / 10/22/2010 at 6:57am / Singapore / Work

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

by Mulee / 03/07/2009 at 7:03am / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Intimacy

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

by MirandaJones / 03/20/2015 at 10:41am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love