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Today, my mother and I were driving through Del Taco. Instead of ordering "Macho Diet Coke", she said "Macho Diet Cock". After correcting herself and pulling up to the window, the employee who goes to my high school gave her the drink and his phone number. FML

by MachoFluster / 02/05/2010 at 2:52am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to take a piss in a public bathroom. Somehow, I managed to completely jam the lock. After minutes of trying to get myself out, I gave up and crawled under the stall, at which point someone walked in and was very surprised to see me on the floor. FML

by downinthedumps / 01/12/2015 at 9:47pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I excitedly checked the mail to see if my Halloween costume finally arrived. It didn't. I live in an isolated city, so finding a costume by any other means than the Internet was impossible. I spent over $100 for a costume that I won't even get to wear this year. FML

by nocostumeforme / 10/29/2011 at 12:01pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

by Clementine / 11/27/2012 at 6:36am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, I opened the freezer for some Poptarts and a giant block of meat fell and broke my toe. FML

by freakingow / 02/14/2010 at 1:05pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I used a public restroom. I saw my sister's shoes walk into the stall next to me, so I gave her a little nudge with my foot. We then nudged each other until I walked out and saw a homeless man with the same shoes as my sister. He then tried to hold my hand. FML

by Anonymous / 06/25/2013 at 12:56am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell. FML

by jake / 09/13/2011 at 4:13pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left for work, I found a six-inch skid mark smack dab in the middle of my sheets. Apparently, the man of my dreams doesn't believe in toilet paper. FML

by Anonymous / 06/08/2015 at 3:33pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML

by Wawawiwa / 07/21/2010 at 7:44pm / Namibia (Windhoek) / Intimacy

Today, my mother is trying to convince me to divorce my husband. He has a tattoo of a skull on his shoulder and she believes this means he kills people. FML

by facepalm / 06/06/2012 at 4:06am / United States (California) / Love

Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML

by but i make different stiffies / 01/04/2013 at 7:33pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, is my 21st birthday. My friends took me to a bar to celebrate, knowing I don't drink. I am now in charge of driving my friends home after they had an awesome night. FML

by happy bday / 09/17/2010 at 12:02am / Canada (Alberta) / Transportation

Today, I came home to find my younger daughter left her silly band collection on the carpet in front of the fireplace. I now have melted unicorns and princesses stuck in my carpet. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2010 at 5:44pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids