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Today, I realized that my parents never ground me as a punishment because I don't get out enough for it to matter. FML

by evilparents / 11/01/2010 at 4:10pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

by Sexless from Texas / 04/24/2015 at 7:38am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML

by why... / 02/01/2009 at 12:37pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom walked me to school to make sure I don't cut class. I'm 20 years old. FML

by My mom / 03/17/2010 at 9:10pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2009 at 3:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was at a tennis match and it was really hot. I took off my shirt to cool down. A member of the staff then tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my "bare breasts might offend someone." I'm a man. FML

by bennyp77 / 08/31/2010 at 1:15am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said "Never take a shit in this place! Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML

by justin bieber's nutsack / 06/06/2015 at 3:32am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

by terrified / 06/07/2015 at 11:13pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

by Clementine / 11/27/2012 at 6:36am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, I excitedly checked the mail to see if my Halloween costume finally arrived. It didn't. I live in an isolated city, so finding a costume by any other means than the Internet was impossible. I spent over $100 for a costume that I won't even get to wear this year. FML

by nocostumeforme / 10/29/2011 at 12:01pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

by SplashOuch / 01/05/2010 at 12:58pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

by pumpkinbutt / 01/17/2010 at 4:08pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML

by kb / 01/10/2015 at 9:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous