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Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until I noticed why they were empty. I had just sat down next to a guy vigorously trying to fellate himself. FML

#20007431
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21663) - you deserved it (5736)

On 08/07/2012 at 9:19am - intimacy - by Nightmares - United States

Today, my daughter turned 18. She decided to use this day to tell me everywhere her and her boyfriends have had sex in my house to get revenge for being overprotective. FML

#16451971
333 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21661) - you deserved it (57569)

On 06/01/2011 at 2:06pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

#17385440
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21658) - you deserved it (2665)

On 08/06/2011 at 5:28am - health - by LH0026 (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was smoking a cigarette while watching the meteor shower. I was just about at the filter and as I was taking my last drag, my friend decided to scare me from behind, and I accidentally sucked the whole thing in my mouth. They don't go out immediately when in your mouth. My tongue hurts. FML

#4495207
303 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21657) - you deserved it (51136)

On 08/13/2009 at 3:24am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was holding on to a shirt that I planned on buying, when an elderly man bumped into me. The shirt fell out of my hand, and slid just out the door. I went to the counter to explain what happened. Everyone accused me of trying to steal it anyway. FML

#13757494
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21657) - you deserved it (2603)

On 11/07/2010 at 9:25pm - misc - by Telinaa (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

#19255450
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21657) - you deserved it (1838)

On 03/11/2012 at 1:39am - work - by The Last One (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my pregnant wife broke down in tears over the fact that since moving to Brazil for my job, we don't have regular access to macaroni and cheese. FML

#20032360
206 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21658) - you deserved it (5556)

On 08/20/2012 at 6:06pm - health - by stupidbullcrêpe (man) - Brazil (Sao Paulo)

Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML

#20002664
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21656) - you deserved it (6378)

On 08/04/2012 at 7:04pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

#19343109
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21655) - you deserved it (1750)

On 03/25/2012 at 3:12am - misc - by LesToiliettes - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was enjoying a nice bath, when one of my cats jumped up on the rim and started purring. I thought it was sweet, until my other cat ran in and body-slammed the first into the tub with me. Being a conscientious cat owner, I hadn't de-clawed them. FML

#20181270
201 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21653) - you deserved it (5948)

On 11/27/2012 at 2:52pm - animals - by Neutered (man) - United States (Alaska)

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

#13957675
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21652) - you deserved it (3036)

On 11/24/2010 at 2:10am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

#19289453
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21652) - you deserved it (11893)

On 03/16/2012 at 4:23pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Ireland

Today, I was at a party, chatting up this guy while we were petting my friends dog. The dog had just been outside and was kinda wet, I assumed it was raining out. Just then someone came up and said "Um, that dog's covered in pee." Apparently someone peed off the deck onto the dog as it walked by. FML

#7093721
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21651) - you deserved it (2487)

On 01/01/2010 at 11:40pm - animals - by ninjapup (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)



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