Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

by foreverafatty / 03/31/2011 at 1:49am / United States (Nevada) / Health

Today, my boyfriend referred me to me as "just a friend" to his ex. They swapped phone numbers. FML

by meohmy / 03/30/2011 at 9:10pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was forced to look on in utter horror as an old lady backed out of her parking space, kept going well past the turning point, and slammed straight into my car, putting a dent in the front and shattering the headlights. FML

by JFC! / 03/30/2011 at 9:07pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, on my 21st birthday, a relative asked me if I was still engaged to the love of my life. The man I spent several years with, gave my virginity to, moved across the country for, who promised to marry me before my 21st, and who swore he was over his ex for good. No, but thanks for asking. FML

by Anonymous / 03/30/2011 at 7:53pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

by Anon_a_mouse / 03/30/2011 at 3:59pm / Reserved / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

by Anonymous / 03/30/2011 at 2:26pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my friends sat me down and said they were concerned I was self-harming. I don't self-harm, I'm just a massive klutz. They don't believe me, and want me to get professional help. And now, because I found it all so funny, they think I'm mentally unhinged. FML

by Alisha / 03/30/2011 at 1:28pm / United Kingdom (Stirling) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my crush of two years that I love him. He responded with an, "Aww, I'm sorry." and a pity hug. FML

by Anonymous / 03/30/2011 at 12:37pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I woke up to a beautiful sunrise, the smell of bacon in a frying pan, and some dickhead trying to pick the lock on my front door. FML

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

by shelby / 03/30/2011 at 12:54am / United States / Health

Today, I decided to go down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I was suffocated. FML

by kingpin7 / 03/30/2011 at 12:43am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I managed to convince the girl of my dreams to stop being so shy, and put herself out there to get her crush to make a move. It worked. And yet as it turns out, I'm not her crush after all. FML

by heartbroken / 03/29/2011 at 8:15pm / United States / Love

Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML

by Anonymous / 03/29/2011 at 7:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health