Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

by fuckall / 01/19/2011 at 6:05am / United States (Oregon) / Money

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 3:34am / Lebanon / Health

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 1:27am / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 12:45am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

by desertpunk75 / 01/18/2011 at 10:40pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2011 at 10:08pm / Singapore / Intimacy

Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting 'goo', which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2011 at 8:51pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML

by fml / 01/18/2011 at 8:49pm / United States (Tennessee) / Animals

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

by sunshine19217 / 01/18/2011 at 6:07pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I rode home alone on a train. I accidentally missed my stop, but wasn't worried about it. My mom did not share my optimism and actually called the train company, saying that I was "lost" and "special". They thought she meant I was retarded. They wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2011 at 4:23pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, my friends were acting strange around me. This afternoon, I got a text asking me to meet them out for a couple of drinks. Because of all the strange acting, I decided to tell them I'd go and then not go. I just found out they had been planning me a surprise party. FML

by slondons / 01/18/2011 at 3:53pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2011 at 1:35pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

stronghand0331's comment : That's not laziness, that is pure innovation.

See all the comments

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with a voice card. It said "Marry me Amber?" I'm not Amber. That's his ex. FML

by dubblechic / 01/18/2011 at 1:16pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.