Today, I bought myself a brand-new 52" flatscreen. It was only in my house for 2 hours before my toddler had a tantrum, threw a toy right into the screen and wrecked it beyond repair. I paid to have a nice TV for 2 hours. FML

by ac32 / 04/11/2011 at 12:05pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML

by sandyhome / 04/11/2011 at 11:20am / United States (Arkansas) / Love

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

by Shamdog48 / 04/11/2011 at 11:08am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

by CheeseyPotatoes / 04/11/2011 at 9:16am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Cupcaken's comment : if you're old enough to be married, I doubt anyone would think you a slut just for having sex.

See all the comments

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

by Ignored / 04/11/2011 at 5:39am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a fever and a migraine. I work at an audiology clinic and my day consists of being shouted at down the phone by practically deaf people. FML

by owmyhead / 04/11/2011 at 2:23am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Work

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

by blower / 04/11/2011 at 12:01am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said "see you in Kansas". FML

by anonymous / 04/10/2011 at 11:26pm / Miscellaneous

­Today, my dog decided to fly through the front door like Superman. All 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall, putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster. FML

by a man / 04/10/2011 at 3:32pm / United States (Tennessee) / Animals

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

by Frazzled / 04/10/2011 at 6:59am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML

by Ouch / 04/10/2011 at 4:55am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

by Monique / 04/10/2011 at 2:50am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

by Anonymous / 04/10/2011 at 2:05am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous