Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML
by Anonymous / 05/18/2011 at 10:48pm / United States (Georgia) / Work
colourz's comment : did any of you read where he says MY DOG, show some sympathy....
by Ally / 05/18/2011 at 9:07pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous
LolaD18's comment : You should go take a dump in his cardboard box, show him who's boss.
by Charles / 05/18/2011 at 1:13pm / Norway (Akershus) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML
by nicknick2 / 05/18/2011 at 12:08pm / United States (Delaware) / Miscellaneous
Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML
by levi69 / 05/18/2011 at 12:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
amrik's comment : you should have took his dick and shoved it up her nose!
Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML
Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML
by Anon / 05/18/2011 at 7:47am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by JCC / 05/18/2011 at 6:57am / United States (Maryland) / Kids
Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML
by Jackedup / 05/18/2011 at 3:57am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 05/18/2011 at 3:26am / United States (California) / Health
by thoughtitwasspecial / 05/18/2011 at 1:15am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy
Today, I went to the doctor for a sore throat. The doctor wasn't wearing any shoes. He said that he doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals and that it's 'all about vitamins', and he gave me a flyer for a vitamin mail order company. Then he showed me photos of his holidays. FML
by Anonymous / 05/18/2011 at 12:38am / Australia / Health