Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

by nomorexbox / 04/26/2011 at 3:20pm / United States (Georgia) / Geek

Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn't close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn't see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML

by rockyrocket / 04/26/2011 at 3:19pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML

by Username / 04/26/2011 at 3:11pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

by Scarlett / 04/26/2011 at 1:28pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

DarkHelmet's comment : Your husband is awesome. Your step mom is probably jealous now

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Today, I broke my toe. My mom didn't think it was necessary to take me to hospital, opting to give me some painkillers instead. They were so strong that I fell asleep for an hour during my exam. FML

by BigToe / 04/26/2011 at 12:00pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, it's hot and sunny, and a customer asked me how I was, I responded by saying "It's a hot sunny day. Who doesn't love the sun?" He responded by telling me he had just had three melanomas cut out. I guess I did find someone who doesn't like the sun. FML

by fifthtimesacharm / 04/26/2011 at 11:03am / Health

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2011 at 9:56am / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2011 at 8:03am / Israel / Miscellaneous

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

by weirdome23 / 04/26/2011 at 5:45am / United States / Miscellaneous

marinus's comment : No shit, you must be weird for having friends like that.

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Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2011 at 3:49am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, the ex-girlfriend I'm still in love with sent me an old picture with the caption, "I miss us." She looked beautiful and happy. Too bad I'm not the guy she's kissing in the picture. FML

by SadGuy / 04/26/2011 at 2:18am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, while buying groceries, I noticed that the lady in front of me had left a box behind. I grabbed the box and ran out the door after her. After turning around to find three employees chasing me, I noticed I had just stolen the donation box. FML

by magicman / 04/26/2011 at 12:45am / Canada (British Columbia) / Money

Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2011 at 10:37pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous