Today, a customer had an allergic reaction to the almonds in the sundae I made for her. We're supposed to put the almonds on unless the customer asks otherwise. She complained to my boss that I'd poisoned her. FML

by Unemployed / 06/02/2011 at 12:40am / United States / Work

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2011 at 12:17am / Miscellaneous

RecklessJellyBea's comment : I'm surprised you were even invited.

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Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

by evomadrid24 / 06/01/2011 at 10:48pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I bought a car. After just ten minutes, my hub caps had been stolen. FML

by GTR / 06/01/2011 at 9:25pm / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML

by ven980 / 06/01/2011 at 5:21pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, the sewers in my town became overloaded. My basement is now filled with other people's poo. FML

by L / 06/01/2011 at 4:40pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

by Stiny / 06/01/2011 at 2:44pm / United States / Health

ihasbrains's comment : At least it wasn't your balls

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Today, my daughter turned 18. She decided to use this day to tell me everywhere her and her boyfriends have had sex in my house to get revenge for being overprotective. FML

by Anonymous / 06/01/2011 at 2:06pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

iAmScrubs's comment : in my bed, on your bed, on the kitchen table, In the washing machine, in the sink, In your shower, on the stairs...

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Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML

by trafficfail / 06/01/2011 at 12:43pm / Transportation

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

by quickfingers100 / 06/01/2011 at 12:05pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

by aarone23 / 06/01/2011 at 9:30am / United States (Oklahoma) / Transportation

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

by Username / 06/01/2011 at 8:35am / Canada / Work

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

by iscreamforicecream / 06/01/2011 at 7:53am / United States (Arizona) / Transportation