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Today, I took my wife and newborn baby girl home from the hospital. While waiting for the elevator, an elderly couple leaned over, saw our baby, and said, "Look, it's the fat kid that was in the nursery." My baby is six and a half pounds, and my wife hasn't stopped crying. FML

#7296814
230 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34688) - you deserved it (2392)

On 01/12/2010 at 8:10am - kids - by mickey1928 -

RobotSox's comment : You should of replied "Look, its those wrinkled prunes that go around insulting newborn babies". That'll teach them ;DD

See all the comments →

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my girlfriend. I told her that I loved her. She asked me how much wind-shield wiper blades cost. FML

#7296803
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19849) - you deserved it (2986)

On 01/12/2010 at 8:09am - intimacy - by Upbrakie - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

#7295909
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11085) - you deserved it (38248)

On 01/12/2010 at 5:26am - love - by awkward23 (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

#7295020
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8955) - you deserved it (20516)

On 01/12/2010 at 2:45am - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I learned I have a severe sinus infection, my body really can't handle antibiotics, and I can projectile vomit out my nose. Not sure if I am more impressed that I still somehow aimed the puke into the sink, or that swallowing afterwards hurt more than emptying my stomach via my nose. FML

#7294693
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24279) - you deserved it (1857)

On 01/12/2010 at 2:18am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He says "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

#7294242
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31004) - you deserved it (3866)

On 01/12/2010 at 1:46am - kids - by mandiballz - United States (California)

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

#7293990
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27103) - you deserved it (8420)

On 01/12/2010 at 1:30am - intimacy - by cold-n-stinky (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

#7293209
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32410) - you deserved it (6016)

On 01/12/2010 at 12:42am - misc - by Absent - France

Today, we got our family pictures back from the printers. I complained to my mom about the ones she picked. "Oh don't worry," she said. "I had them photoshop out your gut." I was talking about my smile. FML

#7292547
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21082) - you deserved it (3271)

On 01/12/2010 at 12:11am - misc - by Me (woman) - United States (Montana)

Today, I was nervous as hell for my driving test. The instructor told me to drive a straight line in reverse. I forgot to put the car in reverse from drive and drove straight into a parked vehicle. Which happened to be owned by the instructor. FML

#7290738
43 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10294) - you deserved it (24077)

On 01/11/2010 at 11:03pm - misc - by Username - Sent from mobile version

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

#7290118
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29162) - you deserved it (3826)

On 01/11/2010 at 10:40pm - health - by brileyyyy - United States (Missouri)

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

#7287898
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8459) - you deserved it (35854)

On 01/11/2010 at 9:25pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I woke up at 3am because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML

#7286498
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26565) - you deserved it (2640)

On 01/11/2010 at 8:40pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)



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