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Anonymous · 8 March 2020, 02:04 ·Houston, United States

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, I opened a lesson with the phrase, "As we all know, the world is over 4 billion years old." One of my students immediately snorted and said, in all seriousness, that I was wrong, and that the Earth is only 6000 years old. A few of his classmates agreed. I teach geology at university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741 You deserved it 257

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kylinsmama · 8 March 2020, 08:01 ·United States

Mixed signals

Today, I got in trouble with my doctor for eating too soon after surgery. Why was I eating? Because the nurses brought me food, which apparently I should've known not to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817 You deserved it 253

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EvictingItSoon · 8 March 2020, 23:07

The miracle of barf

Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792 You deserved it 713

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joey · 9 March 2020, 05:00

Zapped

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 877 You deserved it 164

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Anonymous · 9 March 2020, 08:00 🌶️ Spicy

Phoney sex

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 294 You deserved it 634

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Anya · 9 March 2020, 09:28

L'enfer, c'est les autres

Aujourd'hui, mon colocataire m'annonce qu'il refuse que j'invite mon copain plus de quatre fois par an, parce que ça le "dérange d'avoir des gens chez lui". Par contre, ses amis qui viennent dormir chez nous quasiment une fois par semaine n'ont apparemment pas l'air de l’incommoder. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 6 884 You deserved it 607

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will18 · 4 March 2020, 06:26 ·France

Machinalement, fatalement…

Aujourd'hui, nouveau dans ma boîte, je réponds au téléphone. Par habitude, je donne accidentellement le nom de mon ancienne boîte, qui est concurrente de la nouvelle. J'ai clairement entendu un collègue crier : "Traître !" VDM

I agree, your life sucks 5 818 You deserved it 1 388

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Anonyme · 4 March 2020, 07:40

Lâche ton gosse, le daron

Aujourd’hui, j’attends avec impatience que mon fils me donne sa note sur une rédaction, dans laquelle j’ai largement tout fait. Très agacé, il me dit : "J’ai eu 12/20. C’est malin, ça me fait baisser ma moyenne !" VDM

I agree, your life sucks 5 485 You deserved it 3 920

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Kwakinette · 4 March 2020, 14:00 ·France

Bomb Squad

Aujourd'hui, nous emménageons dans un petit village. Le commerçant de la supérette a appelé la gendarmerie pour un colis suspect. Cinq gendarmes qui font la circulation et les démineurs ont été contactés. Le colis ? le lit pliant de mon bébé, oublié devant notre maison. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 5 834 You deserved it 621

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Mystere95 · 7 March 2020, 07:30

If if, between !

Aujourd'hui, je suis étudiante en langues en vacances en Angleterre. Premier soir au restaurant, je commande naturellement mon plat en anglais. Après de longues secondes d'incompréhension, le serveur, perdu, me dit : "In English, please ?" VDM

I agree, your life sucks 6 460 You deserved it 1 082

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la gerce · 7 March 2020, 18:00

Il n'y a plus d'espoir

Aujourd'hui, après 4 ans de relation et de vie commune, mon copain me quitte. Après la séparation des biens d'un commun accord, il profite de mon absence pour déménager. Je viens de rentrer chez moi. Il a même embarqué les ampoules. Je vis dans le noir. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 7 952 You deserved it 563

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FleurDeSel · 7 March 2020, 21:30 ·Montréal, Canada

Seins à l'AirBnB

Aujourd'hui, alors que nos deux premiers hôtes Airbnb prenaient leur petit déjeuner, je suis arrivé seins nus dans la cuisine, oubliant complètement leur présence. Ils restent encore deux jours. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 5 904 You deserved it 1 870

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Anonymous · 21 February 2020, 20:00

No chance

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me over late at night. I got excited, assuming she finally wanted sex. No, she just wanted me to make her mac and cheese and talk to her because she was ‘restless’. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 566 You deserved it 926

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Anonymous · 24 February 2020, 18:00 🌶️ Spicy

I miss him

Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 483 You deserved it 470

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Anonymous · 25 February 2020, 14:00

Knock out

Today, I treated myself to a Thai massage. The masseuse was so aggressive and intense, she left me with injuries on my hands and back. I paid $60 for someone to hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643 You deserved it 371

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Anonymous · 25 February 2020, 20:00

Fight Club

Today, my girlfriend asked how I was feeling, because I’ve been feeling down and experiencing a lot of anxiety lately. I said was feeling a lot better and that I finally think I’m on my way to getting well. She didn't agree, and started a fight about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 970 You deserved it 211

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Anonymous · 26 February 2020, 05:00

Her revenge

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She then proceeded to ask for all the gifts she gave me for Christmas back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740 You deserved it 795

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Anonymous · 26 February 2020, 20:00

No thanks

Today, I asked the guy I like if he wanted to go to lunch tomorrow at a local restaurant. He replied that he doesn't like their food. I think that's a no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 599 You deserved it 343

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Anonymous · 27 February 2020, 18:00 🌶️ Spicy

Spice it up

Today, a few days after I let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life and we used melted chocolate, I've now got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life, so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982 You deserved it 2 512

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Anonymous · 27 February 2020, 20:00 🌶️ Spicy

Completely wet

Today, I was drinking too much and I had to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I'd pissed the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759 You deserved it 2 105

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Anonymous · 28 February 2020, 01:00

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 383 You deserved it 244

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Anonymous · 29 February 2020, 05:00

Weird dude

Today, while finishing shopping with my kids, my female best friend and I were accosted by a street preacher. He screamed that we were an abomination, having biracial children was a sin against nature, and that we were ruining America. Not only we are not gay, he made my kids cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 919 You deserved it 353

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Anonymous · 29 February 2020, 14:00

Why I did that?

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417 You deserved it 863

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Anonymous · 29 February 2020, 20:00

May be

Today, while I was at my job as senior care, I was in a client's home vacuuming the carpet and found a very used vibrator that belonged to his wife. It wasn't clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 679 You deserved it 147

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thehaystackerine · 1 March 2020, 12:00

Asshole Design

Today, I bought a slice of pizza at my favorite gas station. Upon opening the box, I found that the lone piece of pepperoni visible through the window on the box was in fact the only piece on the whole slice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408 You deserved it 314

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Anonymous · 1 March 2020, 15:00

Crossed Wires

Today, while on Grindr, I saw that this guy I'm friends with and have liked for a while now had messaged me. I got all excited, just for it to be a picture of him flipping me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 517 You deserved it 254

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Anonymous · 1 March 2020, 18:00

This Charming Man

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 984 You deserved it 114

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Thescarlettfox · 1 March 2020, 21:00

Alexa, play "Jump" by Van Halen

Today, I had the brilliant idea of jumping off a swing at its highest point. I can now add two things to my list of accomplishments: making out with a tree and breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568 You deserved it 1 464

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queenofthegypsys · 1 March 2020, 23:00

Why Change a Perfectly Good System?

Today, while creeping on my boyfriend's ex-wife’s Facebook, I found out that he used to call her the same nicknames he now calls me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 127 You deserved it 962

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Anonymous · 2 March 2020, 01:00 🌶️ Spicy

Fast and Furious

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 896 You deserved it 1 847

10 comments Share