Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML
Today, I came home early to find my (now ex) girlfriend having a screaming argument with my son, because he caught her trying to burn pictures of my late wife. I'm back to being single, but at least I can be proud of my son for standing up to her (he's usually very timid). Can't believe I was dating that psycho. FML
Today, I realised that I can't orgasm if I don't relax enough to let myself fart. FML
Today, my mum refused to send me a picture she took on her iPhone until it synced up to her iPad, because she claimed it will then appear larger. When I tried to explain the image will be the same regardless, she angrily accused me of not having any trust in her. I still haven’t seen the picture. FML
Today, for the third time in 3 months, my pregnant wife woke me up by slapping me because I cheated on her in her dreams. I would never cheat on my wife, and she blames it on "pregnancy brain." There's still 5 months to go. FML
Today, I left my new iPhone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently, when I got out she looked at it, told the driver someone had left it, and gave it to him. FML
Today, due to an emergency, I have worked for 21 hours non stop. When I got home at 6 a.m. I fell into bed and stuck to the sheets. Only then, just as he was going to work, did my husband yell up the stairs that the sheets needed washing because he spilled his cough medicine all over the bed when he woke up. FML
Today, three weeks after I gave birth to a stillborn, my now ex-husband told me he’s leaving me for his pregnant coworker. It’s his. FML
Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML
Today, my husband and I, as well as our two oldest kids, have dark hair. Our youngest came out with very blonde hair, like my older brother's. My husband insists on calling the baby our little “golden-haired Lannister”, no matter how many times I’ve asked him to stop. He thinks it’s hilarious. FML
Today, I called complaints for my internet provider because, again, it's slowed to a crawl that would make dial-up laugh. They said that I live in a remote area, so maintenance is difficult. When I pointed out I only live ten minutes from the nearest city, they responded by saying they're my only option, so tough. FML
Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML
Today, I confessed to my husband that after having my eating disorder under control the last two years, I've relapsed the last three months. He responded by telling me to keep it up, because he wants to have the hottest wife out of all his friends. FML
Today, I couldn't leave my room because my dad was having a foursome in the living room. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who I’ve been madly in love with for 18 months, left me for some guy she met two weeks ago. I was planning to propose to her next week. FML
Today, my son actually tried to get out of being arrested by claiming he was “an agent” and unless they let him go, his employers “from the government” would come looking for him and there would be “consequences”. The officers eventually got their breath back from laughing at him. FML
Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML
Today, I found out when my new roommate said she was self-employed, she really meant unemployed. She insists that I let her stay for free or she will file a sexual assault case against me. Rent is due on the 10th. FML
Today, my husband and I once again argued over expiration dates. He says I’m paranoid and wasteful. I finally gave in and ate some food I wasn’t so sure of. Well, his innards must be made of vibranium because I’m currently in the fetal position on the bathroom floor after puking for an hour. FML
Today, I was under the impression that my kids would eventually grow out of wanting to watch me use the bathroom. Instead, my 7 year-old son attempted to pick the lock so he could watch me take a shit and make fun of me for it. FML
Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML
Today, on the first day of the first week off together with my family in six months, we’re all quarantined with positive COVID tests. By the time we’re off quarantine, I’ll be back at work. FML
Today, I went on a date with my a man I’ve been seeing at a restaurant. I went to use the restroom. When I came back, he and my purse were gone. He won’t answer my phone calls or texts, and he blocked me on Instagram. I’ve been ghosted and robbed. FML
Today, I told my family I'm going shopping with my friend "Emma". My sister's been teasing me about this saying, "Emma can't exist! She's not real! You don't have any friends." She's right. FML
Today, a boy asked me out, and I immediately learned just how much it stinks to have 4 overprotective rugby player older brothers, an overprotective marine corps dad, and an overprotective two-star general grandfather. As a bonus, mom is an overprotective police officer. FML
Today, my beyond spoiled stepdaughter threw a massive fit, swearing she was going to sue her employer for discrimination after firing her. Her dumbass believed she could take her dog to work with her, and the company couldn’t legally ask if it was a service animal or not. She worked at McDonald’s. FML
Today, I found a massive tick on my boyfriend's ballsack. I found it with my tongue. FML
Today, I cooked for the future in-laws and was accused of trying to poison them. Absolutely no one told me, even as they watched me cook shrimp and smoked sausage gumbo, that my mother-in-law is deathly allergic to shellfish and my father-in-law gets severe diarrhoea when he eats pork. FML
Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML
Today, at a bar, a drunk girl kissed me, so I went home and confessed what happened to my girlfriend. She forgave me but took it as permission to admit she’s cheated sexually at least once a month for over a year, then got mad I didn’t immediately forgive her like she forgave me. FML
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