Aujourd'hui, je fête mes 42 ans. Faute de bougies, on en a mis une grosse pour la quarantaine et deux petites pour les unités. Maintenant, ma fille de 4 ans pense que j'ai 3 ans et ne veut plus me parler car : "Je parle pas aux plus petits que moi !" VDM
Aujourd'hui, et depuis toujours, je n'ai jamais pris de drogue. Mon supérieur veut me faire passer un test de dépistage de stupéfiants, car d'après lui "ce n'est pas normal de sourire et rigoler autant !" Excusez-moi chef, je ne savais pas que c'était interdit d'avoir la joie de vivre. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai découvert un nouveau palier dans la relation amoureuse. À 6 mois d'amour, on a le droit au romantique petit déjeuner au lit. Au bout de 3 ans et demi, quand mon homme me demande si j'ai faim, je ne m'attends pas à recevoir un paquet de biscuits balancé de la cuisine en pleine figure. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai enfin perdu 20 kg, suite à un régime très dur à suivre. Pour me féliciter, ma tante m'a acheté une robe 3 tailles plus grande que moi, pour "quand ces kilos reviendront." VDM
Today, my 5-year-old daughter had to find pictures of animals that she felt represented each member of her family. This was the one she chose for me. I think she might be trying to imply something. FML
Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's family. I thought everything was going well until I went to the bathroom and overheard his family tell him he could have found something better. FML
Today, I came into work feeling good about myself and my upcoming plans. I left before noon with a box of my belongings and uncertainty about my future, having been suddenly laid off. FML
Today, I handed in my resignation letter after over three and a half years working at the company. My manager is angry with me, since we returned from an overseas business trip yesterday, and why didn't I inform her before the trip. She now wants me to pay all costs of trip before leaving the job. FML
Today, I found out that it is possible for someone else to cancel my Internet, TV and phone services in two days. However it'll take me 5 days, after 6 hours on the phone, to get it back. FML
Today, I dumped my boyfriend. To celebrate being newly single, I wanted to watch some shows on Netflix. My now ex-boyfriend had already changed the password. FML
Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML
Today, my son told me that some kids had been picking on him at school. When I asked him to elaborate, he said that kids sometimes didn't say "Hi" back when he greeted them. FML
Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML
Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML
Today, I got into a major fight with my parents over my younger brother stealing from me. Their response was to get angry at me for my "tone" with them. My brother is 18 with an obvious drug problem, but my tone is the problem. FML
Today, my drunk boyfriend called me by my best friend's name in bed. FML
Today, as a nursing assistant, I often hear that the biggest thing people get from their job is satisfaction of helping others get better. Biggest thing I've gotten out of it? Shingles. FML
Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML
Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML
Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent messages because I didn't send him anything for his birthday yesterday like I used to. This is the same man who never gave me a birthday gift, text, or even a Happy Birthday wish during our 7 years together. FML
Today, I texted my exes, not because I missed them, but because I wanted to know how their pets were doing. This holds true for at least four relationships. FML
Today, I hit a new low in my diet. There was a danish sitting on the table in the break room at work, and I wanted it. At the end of day, one of the guys threw it into the dumpster. Guess who just ate a dumpster danish. FML
Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML
Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML
Today, I interviewed for my dream job. Everything was going great until the interviewer asked, "So, what's your least favorite race?" FML
Today I intended to get up at 6 am so I set the alarm for 5 am. What ended up happening was that I got up at 9 am, and the 5 am alarm will ring in two weeks. FML
Today, unbeknownst to me, my wife cancelled our airplane tickets because she didn't want to face her fear of flying like we had agreed. Now, we're going to have to take another week off so I can drive 3000 miles cross country, while she sleeps in the shotgun seat because her licence expired. FML
Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML
Today, I went to hang out with an older friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a while. It was pretty fun and I was having a great time. That is, of course, until I hugged him goodbye and he leaned in and whispered in my ear, "I think we were fated to hook up." FML
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