Serayna

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

Today, I realized that my coach doesn't close the door and the blinds to perform half-naked body checks (to make sure his team is in shape) on anyone else but me. FML

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up… except my fiancé. FML

Today, my stalker ex girlfriend turned up at my wedding, uninvited, wearing a wedding dress. FML

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I've been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the east coast who are trying to return their shoes. They want to speak to my supervisor because I "don't sound professional enough." FML

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

Today, a girl from class screamed at me in public for hugging the guy she likes. She threatened to take me out if I didn't "back off". That guy is my boyfriend. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

Today, my roommates told me they want me to move out of our apartment. We would have never gotten the apartment without my credit score, and most of the furniture is mine. FML

Today, I got a letter in the mail telling me to report for jury duty. The day that I have to show up is the day of my wedding. FML

Today, at a paintball match, my boyfriend shot me between the legs and asked, "Still want kids now?" FML

Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML

Today, my friend told me she wanted to get pregnant. I thought that was good news, but then she said she wanted my boyfriend to be the father of her baby. FML

Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML