marcosmsc

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

Today, I puked up a centipede. FML

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

Nasty

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

Shame!

Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

Downhill

Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

Just a prank, bro!

Today, my friends switched my mom and my girlfriend's numbers in my phone. I sexted my mom. FML