gbeezy09

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

Opportunist

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

Bingo!

Today, we had bingo. Three rounds into it a group behind me started to yell, "BINGO, BINGO!" I looked around and saw no one was coming to verify that they had a bingo, so I turned around and said "Stand up." The girl was a dwarf, and she was standing up. FML

Today, I invited over 30 people to come to the park with me since the day was nice and cool. I sat there for three hours by myself. FML

Today, after months of constant encouragement from my friends, I went and entered a singing contest. I sang and was booed off stage. Later on I found out my friends lied to me about my ability to sing, just so I could give them a cheap laugh. FML

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML