dwh250

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

Today, while making my son lunch, he pooped, took off his diaper, stepped in it, and then climbed to the gate to call for me. When I arrived, he had a big smile on his face and exclaimed, "Look!" Shit footprints were everywhere. FML

Secret life

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML

Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

Straight to jail

Today, my child was refusing to leave the playground. I had to pry her, screaming and crying, from the monkey bars. I then realized I had been assaulting someone else's kid. FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

Brain wave

Today, my wife heard that Wi-Fi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the Wi-Fi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML

Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML

Today, I was having a pleasant jog, that is until I was struck by the terrible feeling of an oncoming turd. Being only about 20 minutes from home, I thought I could make it back without letting the beast out. I was so wrong. The only thing I'm grateful for is that I was carrying the Sunday paper. FML

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML