jenna_love91

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

Today, my parents had a long discussion on whether a cut on my arm looked like a vagina. FML

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

Today, I realized the closest thing I've had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML

Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

Nothing better to do

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

Today, I was having dinner with my college friends to celebrate the end of our first year. I said really great things about them as individuals. The only thing they had to say to me was, "Thanks for being the token black friend." FML

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML