Today, I received roughly 50 paper cuts while I was at work. I didn't realize this until after I applied hand sanitizer. FML
Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML
Today, I learned what it felt like to get shot in the nuts by an airsoft gun. Thank you, Mom. FML
Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML
Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML
Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML
Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML
Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML
Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML
Today, I couldn't find my hairbrush anywhere; I ended up having to brush my hair with a fork. FML
Today, I was having a funny conversation with a guy I had met on Xbox. I told him the state I lived in, and he said, "Don't tell me that, I might stalk you." He wasn't kidding. He has somehow found out my phone number, and my address. He says he's going to send me flowers. FML
Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend I love her for the first time. She said, "Thanks." FML
Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML
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