aja411

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Aja411's favorite FMLs

By DyingPlants - 10/10/2011 03:27 - United States

Today, during my first date with a girl I've liked for awhile, she tells me about some minor disabilities she was born with. Wanting to be honest with her too, I tell her I'm slightly autistic. Her response was, "I'm sorry this isn't going to work. I can't date a retard." I had to eat alone after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 999

You deserved it 3 925

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 13:01 - United States

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 169

You deserved it 11 235

Follow your dreams

By britt71411 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, inspired by my own relationship, I encouraged my best friend to go after the guy she likes. She did, and I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 077

You deserved it 5 809

Ciphered

By ewww - 26/08/2012 09:21 - United States - Seattle

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substitution cipher, using literary references. As they're both literature professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 102

You deserved it 2 554

By joeidk - 12/05/2013 00:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I finally convinced my mom to read Fight Club. As English isn't her first language, she occasionally asked me to translate some of the words. Her latest question: "What's a dildo?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 505

You deserved it 41 642

High times

By explanations - 14/06/2013 06:48 - United States - Des Plaines

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 707

You deserved it 7 959

By what have i done with my life - 21/07/2013 17:46 - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 660

You deserved it 6 040

By Zanovitch - 13/08/2013 20:19 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 102

You deserved it 4 281

First!

By marryinghimanyway - 29/08/2013 02:21 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 171

You deserved it 2 949

Let him cook

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Woburn

Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 421

You deserved it 5 293

By Anonymous - 27/02/2015 19:37 - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 046

You deserved it 4 317

By FreshDonuts - 28/02/2015 05:03 - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating the little things in life. She's starting with my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 375

You deserved it 6 293

By Anonymous - 28/02/2015 18:11 - United States - Portland

Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 690

You deserved it 63 087

Bumpy ride

By jojolee68 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 471

You deserved it 2 883

Pull yourself together

By k8thagr8 - 01/03/2015 02:47 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I slipped on some ice and wrecked my back. When my husband and I went to go to bed, he begged me to take one of the pain pills left over from his recent surgery. Not so I could feel better and get some rest, but so he could have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 326

You deserved it 3 985

Name and shame

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 18:59 - United Kingdom - Wetheringsett

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for another girl, via a text message ending with "No hard feelings. Well xcept 4 my cock obvs. ;)" Fuck you, Rick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 539

You deserved it 3 230

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 19:03 - United States - Springfield

Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 972

You deserved it 3 040

By Highnapple - 04/03/2015 07:55 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 234

You deserved it 4 544

By actually just constipated.. and stupid - 04/03/2015 15:03 - Tunisia

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 391

You deserved it 38 077

By pabj208 - 06/03/2015 00:07 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, during a meal out with my team and bosses, I wasn't drinking. The waiter complained, "If you're not ordering alcohol, how am I supposed to take advantage of you later?" I'm not sure what's worse, the rapey pre-dinner joke or the awkward silence as my colleagues looked on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 943

You deserved it 2 517

pabj208 tells us more.

pabj208 23

Friday 6 March 2015 19:16

OP here. Thanks for the comments everyone, you'll be pleased to hear that today I did phone up the restaurant posing as 'a member of the girl's team' (which is technically true), as I didn't want to identify myself. I can take a bit of banter as much as the next person, and although I'm sure it was meant as a joke, it certainly crossed a line. I thought I'd say something to his manager in case he repeated his actions to someone less capable of standing up for themselves than me! You never know who he might try it with again... The (female) owner was horrified and said she was furious with the waiter, who had apparently worked there for 20 years. She'll be having a chat with him later on and offered me and 'the girl' (also me!) a free pizza each. I don't think I'll be taking them up on the offer! Oh, and my team were lovely about it- after the shocked silence they all agreed that he crossed a line and were very supportive :)