Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML
Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML
Today, I bought my first iPhone. Today, I broke my first iPhone. FML
Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML
Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML
Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML
Today, I found out that my husband and my cat have something in common; they both like to lick themselves. FML
Today, after backpacking acrossing Europe for a month, I picked up my dog from the doghouse. No one will listen to me or acknowledge the fact that he's now missing two toes. FML
Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML
Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML
Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML
Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML
Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML
Today, I spent ten minutes looking for my cell phone in the dark, only to realize the light I was using was my cell phone's. FML
Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML
Today, we found out that the beloved "Uncle Jimmy" from my early childhood was really the man my mother was cheating on my dad with. FML
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