Anonymous
Ring of fire
Today, I learned the hard way that I'm allergic to a particular brand of tampon. FML
Wadlaen
37 years-old
matt
People disprove
Today, I, a forty year-old man, went to the store with my teenage daughter and infant son. I got some very dirty looks. FML
chantelle
Sydney, Australia 🌶️ Spicy
I've seen things…
Today, I woke up early and went into the kitchen to get a Monster, and my dad was getting head from his girlfriend with no pants on. FML
So not a Luke
United Kingdom
Damn Luke
Today, a very large guy came up and asked if I was Luke. Before I could explain that Luke’s my cousin and that we do look like twins, he picked me up off the ground and hung me by my belt loops from a metal fence, telling me to stay away from his aunt. I had to undo my pants in public to climb down. FML
lukey101
Adelaide, Australia
Uber Thiefs
Today, my Uber passenger stole one of the rear floor mats out of my car. FML
Jake
Relatable reasoning
Today, my wife told me the only reason she doesn’t want kids is because she requires privacy to poop. That’s it. That’s the dealbreaker. FML
Anonymous
Klaipeda, Lithuania 🌶️ Spicy
Don't stop now!
Today, as usual during sex, my boyfriend finished first, and then he "massaged" me so I could finish too. While he was doing that, his grandma called. He actually answered. FML
Eddie
Sharing is caring
Today, I caught my sister using my shaver to trim her pubic hair. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
These boots are made for walking
Today, I went to a strip club for the first time ever and was about to enjoy a private dance when the stripper stepped onto my chair, between my legs, to climb up onto platform. Sexy. Unfortunately, she missed the chair and stood on my balls, full weight, without noticing. I didn't 'enjoy' anything after that. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Worst threesome ever
Today, I finally got pulled into a threesome with the girl I've loved for years and another friend. She led the interaction with, "You only get to touch her" then, "I just wish [her ex] was here" and finished with, "OK, it's weird with you here, you can just go." FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
How? Why? What?
Today, I wore leggings without underwear. When I got in the car after a busy shopping day, I realized that my pubes had poked through the fabric and my bush was on the outside of my pants. FML
Anonymous
Impressive
Today, I had a big job interview on Zoom. I forgot my name was set as "Fat F***". I joined the call and the older lady interviewing me was very offended. FML
Anonymous
Lookin' good
Today, I was sitting in the bus station when an old woman looked over at me, then said to her friend, "Young women are so pretty these days." Her friend looked up at me and said, "That's because makeup is so cheap these days." FML
gassy
Morwell, Australia
Stealth bomb
Today, my boyfriend and I were setting up a desktop PC we'd bought second-hand. In the middle of this, he stopped, frowning, sniffed the air a few times and said we'd better give it a good dust, because it smelt like burning. I'd just farted. FML
Anonymous
First impressions
Today, while on a date, I accidentally ordered "diet water" instead of saying "diet coke". FML
HarrisonR
United Kingdom
Cool
Today, while talking to a boy, he asked what my name was and in a state of panic, I said, "Daddy." FML
HaroldLames
What have you got yourself into?
Today, the court is unable to allow me to divorce my wife because she is pregnant with our child. I have to wait until AFTER the baby is born, so that she is born inside of a marriage and not be an "illegitimate child." I was planning to move out of our house to go live with my high school sweetheart this weekend. FML
Anonymous
Hi uncle, I'm dad
Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML
Anonymous
Problematic language
Today, at my new retail job, I accidentally referred to white tank tops as, "Wife beaters." That's what I thought they were actually called, until my boss had to correct me. FML
Lonely Wanker
🌶️ Spicy
Cranking
Today, I started to cry while masturbating. This isn't the first time that this has happened. FML
Anonymous
Panic
Today, I spent the night at a friend's house after drinking. My phone died and I didn’t charge it. My mom decided I was a missing person, and all of her friends on Facebook decided to post that I was missing. I’m a 27 year-old adult. FML
Anonymous
Pittsburgh, United States
Big booming voice issues
Today, like the rest of the past year, I had to hear my roommate as he works as tech support from home. The man does not have an "inside voice" but echoes across multiple floors like a tuba, as he debugs people's software issues over the phone. Talking to him about it only makes him angry… and louder. FML
Anonymous
Winner winner chicken dinner
Today, I realized I have finally turned into my mother when I got excited about using so many coupons that I only paid 70 cents for $14 worth of groceries. I need a life. FML
Julissa
Asshat
Today, I got a call from my husband, saying that he wants a divorce, he’s been seeing his colleague and that she’s more compatible to him. I’ve just given birth to out first child. He told me, "Aww, good luck with that." FML
Anonymous
United States
Bag for life
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Anonymous
United States 🌶️ Spicy
Benny Goodman classic
Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, my husband was not in the mood for sex. He told me this while masturbating. FML
Anonymous
Letting go
Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML
Anonymous
The joys of public transportation
Today, I was on the subway and there was a guy yelling, "Regret your sins and devote yourself to God right now." Another man got up from his seat and told him, "I work 12 hours a day and all I want is to go home and rest, you shut the fuck up or I'll make you meet God personally." FML
Anonymous
Netherlands
Night terrors
Today, at 2 a.m. I heard a noise coming from the living room. I thought somebody must be breaking in, so I had to save my cats. When I opened the door, all I could see was the only plant I owned, all over the room. The cats just greeted me with a friendly purr, like they were happy I was joining them in their sandbox. FML
vertigoisarat
United States
Who are you to judge?
Today, I went to the drug store to pick up a few things. After looking for condoms for 15 minutes, I asked the cashier where I could find them. She said they keep them behind the counter due to theft. She refused to sell them to me, because they're for customers who might actually need them. FML