Miss 33 years-old Single
Today, I bought my first ever vibrator after months of wanting one. Apparently, I bought a cheap product, because it broke and started going off by itself later. It shook my whole dresser while my best friend and I were in the room. I couldn't get it to shut off. FML
Today, I was at work at a coffee shop. We charge 50 cents every 15 minutes of use of our computers. An old man tried sneaking out without paying after being at a computer. As I was telling him to pay for his time, he threw a bagel at me and ran to his car. FML
Today, my mother and I got complimented on how we look alike. She's a German blonde and I was adopted from Vietnam. FML
Today, I found out wife has two baby daddies for our two kids. I’m neither one’s baby daddy. FML
Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having painful surgery, so I decided to make him a nice big breakfast. As I was taking it up to him, I heard a message on the phone. It was from one of his nurses. She was accepting his offer of a date. FML
Today, I discovered my deadbeat ex-husband will not have to pay child support anymore, because while he sat on CERB the entire pandemic, I was an essential worker, and will be punished for having had an actual income. FML
Today, my 79-year-old mom who has Alzheimer's fondly remembered all the wild sex she had with me back in the 1960s. I wasn't born then. She thinks I'm my dad, who died 15 years ago. In all of our conversations now, she talks to me as if she is talking to her husband and some of the talks turn racy. FML
Today, I'm staying in a hotel. The power went out while I was having a shower. So I waited for it to come back on, until an announcement came over the fire alarm, "Due to generating failure, the power will be off for the rest of the night. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, and have a good night." FML
Today, I got suspended from school for smoking in the stairs. I'm grounded for a month without my phone, TV or any type of social connection. All of this would seem like a fair enough punishment if I actually smoked, but instead I just smell like my parent's second-hand smoke. FML
Today, I'm stuck at my minimum wage job, listening to people who make twice as much as me complain that, "they only get the week off for Thanksgiving." FML
Today, I'm waiting for some live fish to be delivered for my tank. They were guaranteed by 1 p.m., so I took the morning off work. I've been unable to concentrate and have bee jumping every time a car door slams, so anxious to get them. It's now 4 p.m. FML
Today, as I was at work as a gynecologist, a twelve-year-old girl asked me, on a scale of 1-10, how tight her "fun stuff" was. This is the new generation. FML
Today, when I was shaving , I wanted to see what I looked like with a Hitler 'tache. Since I was shaving anyway I just left that part and figured I'd shave it later. Well I was goose stepping around my room for awhile and then forgot about it. I ran into my girlfriend's parents later that day. FML
Today, I found out that the shampoo I’ve been using has yogurt in, following a prank my boyfriend did. Turns out he forgot about it and I’ve been using it for 5 days now. FML
Today, I played The Sims just so I'd know what it was like to live alone, own a home, and have a well-paying job that didn't slowly kill me from the inside out. It was the happiest I've been in months. FML
Today, I was watching porn and found my mom on a webcam. When I told her that I saw her, she just took away my computer and told me to get off porn. FML
Today, my daughter lightly bumped her hand on a wall, cried and screamed for 5 minutes, vomited, then passed out. She’s 19. FML
Today, I asked my boss if I could take a vacation day for my birthday on Monday. She called to tell me yes, and then told me I'm getting laid off. FML
Today, I woke up this morning to find out I have lost all ability to hear. Not only is that medically concerning, it also means that now I can’t listen to the new albums I just bought. FML
Today, I called someone out for her brazen homophobia. She was ranting about how gays are sinners. When I mentioned that she had three children by three different men, all out of wedlock, and was currently living with her boyfriend, also considered a sin, she reported me to HR for harassment. FML
Today, my fiancée's ex sent me screenshots of their conversation. In it, he told her how badly he’d wanted to marry her, what a great life he'd have given her, and what a huge mistake she'd made by letting him get away. My ring, our house even our pets should’ve been hers. Gee, thanks for settling. FML
Today, after going through a surgery related to my ovaries, having a life-threatening complication during the surgery due to anesthesia, and my doctor warning me about future infertility, a friend told me that no one would marry me now, since I have stretch marks and stitches marks on my abdomen. FML
Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML
Today, my state decriminalized small amounts of every hard drug you can name. Heroin, LSD, cocaine, you name it. I'm a recovering addict. I moved to Oregon to get away from the big city and drugs and take in nature. No I didn't. I knew this would happen. I'm screwed. FML
Today, my fiancé told me that his work is more important than our family. We have 2 kids. FML
Today, I went in for a routine check up. I also found out I have an incurable STD and that I’m pregnant. I’ve been married to my husband for seven years and have never had sex with anyone else in my entire life. FML
Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML
Today, after months of ultrasounds and blood tests, I found out that the pain I've been feeling in my ovaries is actually just sore muscles from flicking my bean every night. FML
Today, I learned that my best friend has been cheating on his girlfriend for 2 months. This is the same person who, 2 months ago, wanted to break our friendship off because he thought we "got too close" and felt like he was cheating on his girlfriend by spending too much time with me. FML
Today, I found out my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. And gave me an STD. FML
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