Today, my mom announced my pregnancy to the entire family via Facebook with the post, "Just went from a MILF to a GILF in one moment of unprotected sex." FML
Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML
Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML
Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML
Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML
Today, my 14 year old brother and 9 year old sister were fighting. My brother said "You suck!" to my sister, and she replied with "You swallow!" FML
Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML
Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML
Today, while I was working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sold dildos. FML
Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought I was going to ask him if we wanted children together. Instead of talking about it, he pretended to have a violent seizure and die. FML
Today, I saw a dick for the first time in my life, on the early morning crowded train headed for work. FML
Today, my "friends" pulled an elaborate prank on me. First, they changed my ringtone to a recording of someone saying "Allahu Akbar" on repeat. Then, they called me as we had a moment of silence in honor of the 9/11 victims. FML
Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend walking down the street in my direction. I've put on a bunch of weight since we broke up, so I turned to look in the nearest shop window, hoping he wouldn't notice. Unfortunately he did see me, looking straight at a KFC. FML
Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML
Today, while trying to calm down my four-year-old son who was having a tantrum in a store, a man walked up to me and said, "You couldn't have worn a condom?" FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML
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