Miss 30 years-old Single
Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML
Today, I was in IKEA, furniture shopping with my dad. He was looking at one couch that was particularly small. I said "dad that couch is for like a midget." I look over to see a midget looking at me, sitting on the same couch in a different color. He definitely heard me. FML
Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML
Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML
TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML
Today, I was waiting for the bus while wearing my FML shirt. A passer-by stopped, stared at me for a moment, and said, "I agree, your life sucks." FML
Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML
Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML
Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML
Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML
Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML
Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML
Today, I found Jesus. The bad news, he was in the form of a concrete statue falling on my car. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML
Today, while working at my local supermarket, a customer threw a turkey at me because we "should have bigger ones." FML
Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML
Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML
Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML
Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML
Today, I went caroling with some family friends. We got pelted with oranges. FML
Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML
Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML
Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML
Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML
Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML
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