aengelke1996

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

Cats rule, boys drool

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

Panic stations!

Today, at 4 a.m., I remembered that I had not studied for my Spanish exam. I panicked, jumped out of bed, and frantically began searching for my notebook. It wasn't until I destroyed my desk and woke up my roommate that I realized that I'm not enrolled in Spanish this semester. It was a nightmare. FML

Today, my sister won a bet. She bet my best friend a burrito that I wouldn't lose my virginity within a year. I am twenty and have to drive my friend to Del Taco so he can buy my sister her victory burrito cause I didn't get laid. FML

Close encounter

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

Today, I found out that my very expensive and beautiful smelling perfume attracts wasps. Whenever I go out, wherever I am, I am followed by multiple wasps. FML

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

Where am I?

Today, I woke up in a field 3 miles from where I'd passed out drunk. This wouldn't have been too bad if I didn't have to walk home through town without my pants. FML

Hard at work

Today, I woke up screaming after a nightmare about clowns, which wouldn't be too bad if I hadn't been surrounded by coworkers. FML

­Today, my dog decided to fly through the front door like Superman. All 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall, putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster. FML

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

The Office 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML

Owner of a lonely heart

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of taking me to the doctor. FML

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

Today, I was so out of it from a lack of sleep and an accidental antihistamine overdose, I tried to offer my cat a cup of tea, and actually got pissed off when he didn't reply. It took me a good five minutes to understand what just happened. FML

Chill, lady

Today, a lady threw a coke bottle at my head because she had a non-winning lottery ticket. FML

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML