Miss Wonderland , USA
Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML
Today, my girlfriend was feeling down because she has put on some weight. I tried to make her feel better by showing her I can still pick her up. I can, and I was even able to hide the fact that I shat myself doing it. I'm so romantic. FML
Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML
Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML
Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML
Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML
Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML
Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's 6'4", 250 lb dad in a negative way, you should really make sure he isn't around first. FML
Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML
Today, I was so lonely, I caught myself whispering to my food just so I had someone to talk to. FML
Today, after nearly two weeks of being stressed out due to financial issues, I decided to spend my last 4 dollars on stress-relieving body wash. Apparently this particular body wash causes me to break out in hives and now I have no money for rash cream. FML
Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me if I don't satisfy his "needs." By "needs", he means me wearing a diaper during foreplay. FML
Today, I heard my mother say, "I feel bad for any girl that marries him because he's, what's the word? Metrosexual!" To my girlfriend. About me. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML
Today, I sat down for a poop. The toilet seat slid off immediately, taking me with it. I lay on the bathroom floor for a moment, stunned, still pooping. FML
Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML
Today, my grandpa told me he was going to be eating out tonight, and I asked at which restaurant. He replied "Your gran's room." and winked. I didn't need that mental image, at all. FML
Today, I found out that while my sister can somehow manage to keep an eye on and control her three preschool-aged children at the park, making sure nobody steals my dog from right beside her is just too big of a job. FML
Today, at my new job, I walked into the office to hear my supervisor and HR manager talking about how, "the new guy isn't very smart, but we can get him to do the shit work for a couple weeks." Gee, thanks. FML
Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML
Today, a classmate accused me of having butt implants because "women can't have a huge ass and pancake tits". FML
Today, and for the 4 months preceding it, my neighbors had been remodeling their house, which meant jackhammer noises every morning. The one day they take a break, my other neighbor decides to start a remodeling project. It'll only be two more months of this. FML
Today, I received a letter from an eBay seller for whom I recently left an honest, negative review. I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't ready for what spilled out coating my jeans, shoes, and brand new carpet: Glitter. FML
Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the silent treatment. When I asked her what I had done wrong, she replied, "Nothing, but do you know that feeling when you look at someone and you just want to choke them?" FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML
Today, my mom called me a slut after she found out I sleep naked. This is how desperate she is for any excuse to yell at me. FML
Today, my drunk dad told me I'm smart enough that any guy could overlook the fact that I'm fat, but not smart enough that they could overlook how ugly I am. Gee, thanks. FML
Today, a friend was making fun of our teacher's car, calling it dorkmobile and saying only idiots would own that car. It's the same as the car I just bought. FML
Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
