cammielane03

Today, I was so bored that I filmed my goldfish while it was eating. FML

Caught

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

Existential crisis

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it… Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

Mean streets

Today, I got called a "f***ing b**ch" by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

Get them away from me

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

Today, I puked up a centipede. FML

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

Life's a beach

Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML

Pervs all round!

Today, I was working by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated, I started to moan and say dirty things… Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML