Beaumont, United States 55 years-old
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet, waiting to throw up. When I finally did, I violently shit my pants at the same time. I was at my friend's house. FML
Today, my mom and I had a fight in the car over who farted. The result? She wanted to smell my underwear when we got home, to prove it was me. FML
Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML
Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML
Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML
Today, I decided to make homemade french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML
Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML
Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML
Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML
Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML
Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML
Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML
Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me as I was leaving and said, "Have a nice… week!" FML
Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML
Today, I found my "lost" bicycle in my best friend's garage. I've been having to catch two buses to get to work for the past few months. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why it would be highly offensive and inappropriate for him to go as Caylee Anthony for Halloween. I think he's still planning on doing it. FML
Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML
Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML
Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my coworker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML
Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML
Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML
Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we're a pair of gay men. I'm a woman. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML
Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML
Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for two years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML
Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
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