Today, I found out why my boyfriend of over a year is so obsessed with cleaning his entire place before I come over. He's been hiding the ex-girlfriend who never moved out. FML
Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML
Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML
Today, my mom held an intervention for me. Yesterday, I told her I'd tried pot once. Seven years ago. FML
Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML
Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML
Today, there was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, so I said, "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML
Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML
Today, my car broke down in the middle of the street. Lucky for me, two guys helped me push my car to the side of the road. Right when I was about to thank them, they stole my purse. FML
Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to hypnotize me into breaking up with him. FML
Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML
Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML
Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML
Today, I found out where my favorite shirt has been for the last six months. My ex-fiancé's new girlfriend is wearing it. FML
chasesd tells us more.
The situation is a bit more in depth... maybe this little addition might clear it up some. She knows it's mine, because when I was living with him, towards the end of the relationship, she had become a pseudo roommate. This'll probably up the "you deserve it" and ah well. The shirt is my favorite for the reason that it was only available at a particular booth at the San Diego Comic-con. After the end of the relationship I had literally only one day to pack for a flight, which I had to get at the last minute (we live in Oregon, my family is in California). The apartment just wasn't organized or easy to find everything that I had there. To allow myself to get over the breakup I hadn't kept contact and of course was distracted with finding a job and getting back to normalcy that when I finally got back into contact with him, and when I finally realized that the shirt was missing, there was a conveniently posted facebook photo of his new gal and him. The shirt is unmistakable, as, like I said, it's not widely available. Oh, and I rocked that shirt like no other, the new girl looks like a reject Sinead O'Connor with man hands; why on Earth would my favorite shirt look hideous on me?
Today, I got the most tear-jerking comment so far about my severe stutter. While I was talking to my neighbor, his little brother interrupted and asked me if I was possessed by a demon. FML
bradix1186 tells us more.
bradix1186 12
Hello everyone. I never thought it would get published. I sort of just powered up my computer and felt I had to vent here after it happened. But it's okay though. I'm used to the bickering comments I receive. But I refuse to concede to the negative effects that come with it; I'm a happy person. To those who are sympathetic to what I have, I'm forever grateful while I also am but all sympathetic to those who are not.
Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML
Today, I went out in a storm to collect my wheelie bin, which had flown down the street. On the way back to my house, I realised my door had slammed shut and locked behind me. That's okay though, a trampoline decided to smash my window and let me in. FML
mattdevil tells us more.
Actually if I hadn't left the house I would have been hit by glass and a trapoline that was in my front room also it wasnt my trampoline
Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML
Today, I bought a cool new pair of sunglasses. I wore them today, and all day I kept getting comments about how much I looked like Ozzy Osbourne and John Lennon. I'm a girl. FML
Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML
Today, I found out that my overprotective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML
Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML
Today, my boyfriend murmured his sister's name during sex. Before you say he was thinking of someone else with the same name, I've only ever met one person in our town called Nohemi. FML
Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML
Today, I received a DM on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, saying, "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML
Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML
Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML
Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML
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