Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML
Today, I took Viagra so we could have sex at bedtime. We fell asleep afterwards, but I must've had a reaction to the Viagra as it was still erect this morning and must have been erect all night, way longer than 4 hours. I went straight to hospital as my penis was numb and pale blue. Help me. FML
Today, I held my 14 year-old dog as he passed away. He made me a better person and I spent more time with him and loved him more than 99% of the population. I don't know how I'm going to do tomorrow when I dig his grave, and know he's not with me anymore. FML
Today, I discovered a nail in the tire of my car and a nice sized crack on the screen of my phone. I didn't think the day could get worse, until on my way to fix my tire, the cherry of my cigarette fell off and burned a huge hole in my driver's seat. This was my day off. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy who seemed really nice. However, halfway through the date, he started talking about how he was a flat-earther, and believed that the moon landing was faked. Oh, and that birds aren't real. I had to endure another hour of his conspiracy theories before I could finally escape. FML
Today, I went ice skating at a place with the most terrible rental skates. Pair 1 was too worn out, pair 2 too small, pair 3 damaged inside. I thought pair 4 was finally a winner, until I got on the ice and realized the blades were fucked. I went flying forward, landed hard, and slid across the ice like a penguin. FML
Today, my daughter got fired from a high five figures job for making up fake religious holidays to get days off, and for almost a year her boss was so scared of being called a racist, he never bothered to look into it until today, and she was sacked 10 minutes later. FML
Today, I’m on vacation in Tunisia. Having trouble with the heat at night, I tried sleeping outside in the garden. At 3 a.m., I’m awoken by something licking my face. A dog? A camel. A camel! FML
Today, I taught my 18 month-old daughter to wipe the green, snotty mucus from under her nose with a tissue. To which, like a ninja, she then wiped my open-mouthed upper lip with that same snotty tissue. FML
Today, I put my notice in at work after being one of the top performers in my department. They didn’t even acknowledge my notice, they just sent me boxes to return my computer. FML
Today, and ever since the start of the Covid pandemic, my friends have progressively stopped talking to me. They've stated at the time that they are too tired, their significant other won't let them, or they're simply sick of me. I still want to hang out as usual, but I don't have who to hang out anymore. FML
Today, my father was cussing loudly because he lost at a Clash Royale game. He then blamed it on me for not sending him cards, and threatened to delete me from all his social media accounts. Dad, I love you, but you're downright insane. FML
Today, I wrote a post about how I was thinking of attempting suicide. Not one single person contacted me to see if I was alright. FML
Today, I met what I thought was a decent guy, via an introduction by my pregnant friend. She's dating his brother. The guy was dropping my friend and me off, but on the way out of the door he slapped her on the butt and smiled. FML
Today, my girlfriend once again insisted that she didn't have a problem with my gaming. Considering that every day I find my PC desk covered in junk, and all my consoles disconnected, somehow I don't think she's telling the truth. FML
Today, I not only woke up with yet another splitting headache, but I stubbed my toe and my desktop kept crashing. That wouldn't be too terrible if it wasn't the second day in a row of bad luck, which previously involved someone stealing my card info and buying gamer keys with it the day after I got paid. FML
Today, I went to work on my day off for some overtime. I’m not to leave my position until relief arrives. Twelve hours after my shift was supposed to be over, my boss calls me, asking if I can work another 8 hours at a different post, not knowing I’ve already worked 20 hours straight because the system rebooted. I didn’t get paid overtime. FML
Today, after I was told my new apartment in the city I’m moving to for work had off-street parking, the only car that could possibly fit is a Mini if it had first been sawn in half. I parked my perfectly normal Citroen as close to the wall as I could, but my back wheels were still on the road. FML
Today, every time I think of having any children, I remember that an idiotic neighbor let her kids paint all over my car with permanent marker, so I eventually forget about it. FML
Today, my life is so devoid of love and joy that I seriously considered making junk food my full-time hobby, in the hope of getting diabetes and dying from it. At least that would be a pleasant way to kill myself. FML
Today, I found out that a girl who I really liked at work, who is my manager and with whom I'm friends, and who knows I like her, has been secretly dating someone else who works there for a month, and everyone at work knew except me, because she didn't want to tell me. FML
Today, my car was damaged in an accident. At the garage, I happened to find out that if some big insurance company is paying for the repairs, they only charge half the hourly rate they charge people who have to pay from their own meager salaries. FML
Today, if you have a job in my country, you automatically have health insurance. Without a job, you can get “voluntary insurance”. No, let me rephrase that: You are legally required to get “voluntary” insurance. Whether you can afford it or not. FML
Today, I just started working in my core job domain, and all the guys working with me are giving up on their their jobs, because there's no future for it. It sucks being a mechanical design engineer in a country full of IT companies who just want us to convert. FML
Today, after spending a great day with my nieces, I turned to my husband to ask him if maybe we should start trying to get pregnant like we both agreed we wanted to multiple times. Before the words even left my mouth he said, “God they were exhausting, thank God were not having kids.” FML
Today, as usual, my wife only wants to have sex to reproduce. As soon as she falls pregnant, the shop is closed. She doesn't care about my sexual needs, saying if I was really that horny, I should go sleep with some else. I'm not that guy and if I do get the guts to do so, I‘m afraid she will hold it against me, and take the kids and our savings. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML
Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with someone else, all because we haven’t had sex in a long time. He says, “Jerking off is too much work” and “I signed up to marry a human with a sex drive, not an emotionless robot.” He left out the fact that I’m grieving my mother’s death. Thanks for the support, Honey. FML
Today, my son's head teacher yelled down the phone at me, “I’m sorry but this is the last straw, Take him home now or I’m calling the police to remove him.” He’s 9 and this will be his sixth expulsion in 4 years, and we have no idea what caused this behaviour. He behaved just fine up to 4 years ago. FML
Today, I was at work when my ex and his girlfriend came in. She went on to claim that I was excited when I saw him… but I was actually happy because my shift was ending in 5 minutes. FML
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