Today, I saw a fight so I went over to try and break it up. Someone thought I wanted to join in, so he gave me an unexpected whap in the happy sacks, and I also got a bloody nose for my troubles. FML
Today, I woke up at 5 a.m. to the sound of my cat knocking things over. It wasn't until my boyfriend sat upright and checked, that I realized it actually wasn't our cat, but my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend trying to get into our second-story window. This isn't the first time she's done this. FML
WendigogoAway tells us more.
OP here (I made this account after submitting this, I didn't think it would get accepted.) Basically after her constantly cheating on him, claiming he was abusive despite her being physically abusive to him, and lying all the time, he'd had enough and threw her out since she decided to keep going back and forth between him and another guy. (And she had the balls to claim she was pregnant with his kid, even though she was on birth control). She'd left a ton of her stuff, and even though he'd texted her/called her to tell her that if she didn't pick it up he'd throw it all out, she never replied or made any indication that she was going to pick it up. Suddenly she thinks it's a good idea to come at over at random times, climb the side of the house, and try to get in the window, saying she needs to get in the garage and get some old stuff. (I have no idea why, because there's literally nothing in there that is worth this much trouble.) The reason why she climbs the side of the house is because my boyfriend and I both live with his dad by paying rent and just living upstairs. His dad doesn't want her around the house anymore because of their previous arguments, which made the environment depressing, and the fact that she put a hole in the wall before. This was the last straw, she hadn't come around for months and after shooing her away this time, we're going to take legal action if it happens again. Neither of us knew how to properly react since it was so early in the morning that we just wanted to get some sleep. (I couldn't manage to fall asleep until at least 9AM)
Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML
Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML
Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML
Today, I checked an old photosharing account. I got a new phone last year and didn't realize all the pictures I took with the new phone would still automatically upload to my account. Unknowingly, I posted naked pics of myself online. Not one of my friends told me. FML
Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML
Today, I noticed a car following me all the way to my house. It was dark so I got really nervous and called the police. The person got out of the car. It was my mom. FML
Today, I decided to dress up a little to go out to the bar. I put on a nice shirt, some leggings, and heels. When I walked out the door, my dad said that I looked like a whore. When I got to my boyfriend's house I told him what my dad had said and he replied, "I'd have to agree with him." FML
Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML
Today, my wedding is scheduled for next week. Today is also the day my whole family had an epic falling out, resulting in my mother disowning my brother. Apart from having them taking turns sobbing at me through the phone, they're also not coming to the wedding. I paid the hotel rooms in advance. FML
Today, I had a job interview but couldn't find my car keys. I had searched the entire apartment and had missed the interview. Turns out they were in my pocket the entire time. FML
Today, I realized the closest thing I have to a love life is organizing my porn folder by category. FML
Today, I was babysitting my young cousins who are obsessed with Narnia. So to appease them, we checked every closet in the house. We never did find Narnia, but we did find sex toys. Lots of them. FML
EevieBear tells us more.
EevieBear 26
Hey guys! Op here. I'm pleasantly surprised this got published! I guess I should have explained the whole situation a lot better. It was not my idea to snoop, as I was making them dinner, and I heard doors opening and closing. I went to investigate, praying it wasn't a break in. Instead, I found the kids looking through the closets. I asked them to stop, sit down, and watch tv while I continued cooking. I watched them go back to the main room by the kitchen where I was, but I guess they snuck back out. When I checked on them again, they were looking at, you guessed it, sex toys.
Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML
Today, it's again one of many times my mom dropped me off at the mall to hang out with friends. Since I have no friends, I shop by myself and always tell her I had "so much fun". FML
Today, I started my job as an assistant to a beekeeper. I forgot to put gloves on, and got stung like crazy. My hands swelled up to the size of baseball gloves. Turns out, I'm allergic to bees. FML
Today, I started college after a night out. I'd got tipsy at the club and started dancing with a cute guy. He asked for my number. I didn't want to give it to him, so I gave him a rejection number. Guess who's the new professor for my bio class? And yes, he recognized me. FML
Today, as part of my medical anatomy course, I had to give a presentation about an STD and the effects it has on women. The class was comprised almost entirely of girls. I become extremely anxious and accidentally stated, "Vaginas are smelly" as my opening statement. FML
Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML
Today, it was lovely outside so I decided to tan outside. I burn pretty easily, so I put on sunscreen. I fell asleep on my side, so when I woke up, I had a massive burn on only one side of my body, with sunglass lines. Tomorrow, I have a job interview. I'm going to go in looking like a racoon. FML
Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML
Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML
Today, after 30 minutes of pre-heating the oven to make a special meatloaf for my husband's birthday, I remembered that I had hidden the cake in there. FML
Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I was at the costume rental shop I work at, when I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what appeared to be one of our fake monster claws, so I chased him down and grabbed it. It wasn't. It was his prosthetic hand. FML
Today, my sister played a prank by pretending to break into my house. I ended up nailing her in the chest with my baseball bat. Now all of my family is bitching and wants me to pay the medical bills. FML
BlueBaronBitch tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here, really glad that this was my first FML to be published :) I guess I should fill in the plot holes here, yes the house was dark, she came through my porch door and through the dining room, which the creaking in the floor (as my dining room floor is known to be obnoxiously creaky) is what alerted me to think of an intruder. I was in my room on the second floor and there is a wall blocking my vision of the dining room once I get down, so when I got down I peeked the corner and just went at it at the human-ish form. Ended up fracturing one of her ribs, would have been worse if my boyfriend was home and he was the one doing the hitting. Family thinks I'm responsible because "I should have recognized it was my sister" but sorry if I hear someone breaking into my house I'm not going to sit down and have a nice chat and tea before deciding to do something. My family was in on it, and they're still trying to get me to pay, but I'm not budging on the fact that I was just trying to defend myself. Hope I explained it pretty well, thanks to everyone who helped get this published :)
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
