Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML
Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter decided to let out a loud fart in the middle of a quiet church service. FML
Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML
Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML
Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML
Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML
Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML
Today, my toddler repeated a very inappropriate word I'd said when I'd stubbed my toe. He chose to do this in the middle of a crowded supermarket, loudly, and repeatedly. Now the whole town probably thinks I have questionable parenting skills. FML
Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Jakesterk96 8
Bend down? How tall do you think a 4 year old is?
Lexiloulynn 2
I wonder why he bit your butt in the first place...
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (234)
mjoyn98 1
You didn't notice him bend down and get near your butt?(:
Jakesterk96 8
Bend down? How tall do you think a 4 year old is?
SkoomaKi 28
I hope the priest dragged you to the alter and rinsed your mouth with holy water shouting "The power of Christ compels you!"
malchik_fml 0
Maybe he/she closed her eyes during prayer? I can imagine he/she was praying with closed eyes and bite his/her butt hence the reason why he/she swear. :)
Nevereverland 8
Did you shout out "holy shit" , "god damn it!" ? It wouldve went unnoticed if you screamed "jesus christ!" outloud.
dav3800 7
Your child is an asshole.
THE_A_TEEN 28
I believe the correct term is "Ass-Muncher".
seriouslythat 6
Taking a new meaning to butt hurt
Cad6 24
Wow OP, that bites. Hopefully you weren't kicked out of the church, that would definitely suck ass. Butt, I would say that it's your fault for yelling out those cheeky obscenities.
Wederoney 16
I hope you didn't call him a son of a bitch.
twilightluvr101 4
@ #58...... Well done.
Eiregal2 10
Oh I do love reading your oh so puntastic posts. Pun on my friend, pun on!
RedmontFief 7
*instinctively* swear at him??? What kinda child are you raising?
thor89 0
What's the point of going to church if you curse at your son you stupid dumb *****
aaahhhfire21 0
Damn cad6 2 for 2 ur on a roll ur normally thumbed outta the posts by the time I read them
ImaginaryFoe 1
#1, she may have stood to sing or pray in which case her posterior would be perfectly placed.
The_Weirdo 10
Well, time to pay the confessional a little visit.
MelTheGreat 23
Just chill out, punny man.
ohxdamnxkay02 12
Don't worry OP i prob would of did the same thing -_-.
Matty1188 6
Uh, people usually have their eyes closed during prayer.
AwkwardPartyBear 24
113- I don't want to be a grammar nazi but come on! Simple punctuation and spelling is not that hard!
NiCeGuY115 14
Damn that sucks FYL indeed!
FMLsAreAwesome 0
You don't say?
nofearjenshere 12
28- you took matching profile pictures to the comment to a whole 'nother level. Thumbs up.
aruam365 24
It could be the phrasing, if OP meant swearing instinctively because of pain that's totally understandable. If they instinctively swore at their 4 year old for being bad, then that's SO not okay.
jagsville 8
139, so it's ok to swear due to pain in church? Sure that will cause a scene as well
enaja 0
I once took a sock to the mouth in church.
ScubaSteve96 0
Cool story bro...
mjoyn98 1
I'm pretty sure your comment originally said 'I once took an arrow to the knee in church' Since so many people thumbed it down you felt the need to change it so people would find it more humorous? Didn't work.
enaja 0
It was that damn auto correct
THE_A_TEEN 28
Riiiiggghhtt, "Auto-Correct".
Cad6 24
#3- What kind of sock...The word sock has multiple meanings, and I hope it's not the one I'm thinking of.
nicob17 4
That I took an arrow to the knee joke is stupid
pastnastificatio 4
Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Falassalond 16
You mean ****?
elpopsw 0
You're going straight to hell!
THE_A_TEEN 28
If I am, then I'm not going down there without a fight.
SkoomaKi 28
4 I'm going to hell in every religion. And you know what? I ******* welcome it!
zombicidal 11
that's cool hell sounds romantic with all that candle light
elpopsw 0
Maybe i should've typed "sarcasm" in brackets at the end.
RaggleFrock 13
51- you sound like a suicide bomber. Just saying.
himoonkey 8
More like: "you're going straight to this imaginary place people made up!
Lexiloulynn 2
I wonder why he bit your butt in the first place...
Nightwing98 22
Zombie!
ycrem0n 21
Soft bouncy curved flesh is just too hard to resist
419 0
23- And not a very smart one at that, he was biting at the wrong end!
sillydumpling 0
Hes gay
deviable 9
Iron deficiency? That's why kids eat dirt isn't it?
Doxy 22
Is it just me or there seems to be quite a lot of zombie FMLs lately ?
maddylovesu 5
dat ass
KRS_13 0
5- little children do weird things..trust me I have 5 little brothers.
charlotte69er 7
You have indeed taught him well (;
zachherbert 10
To be a pain in the butt.
Roevera 14
I creeped your about me... dafaq is wrong with you? Your profile says you're only 15 and that you like to grind boys at school dances cause teachers are watching? That's not why most people go to school dances. Plus, you post your phone number online? I'd hope it's fake.
GrahamAker 3
^How about mind your own buisness.
charlotte69er 7
Bitch please
SoSickWithIt 14
^ Da fuq? You're a hypocrite for telling that one bitch to mind her own business, when you're not even doing it yourself. People's lives are for show n tell on the Internet! Duh!
_SoManyAnchors 1
Is that your number?!
HonestTruth 5
You trained him semi-well. Make sure to tell him not to bite it though. ;)
megan_lovee 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
you didn't have to swear at him.
megan_lovee 0
didn't***
missyj0 12
Your picture + description + age = the reason I've lost all hope in my generation.
RaggleFrock 13
I agree with 53. stop using tilted bathrooms as well, it gives the photo an annoying tilt.
minionfan 0
Seriously?and girls like you wonder why they end up pregnant by some loser and alone by the time they're 16.
flawrblah 0
Quit it, this poor girl is probably calling you all awful things on Facebook to the other middle school kids.
thats_my_job 11
I'm pretty sure she is in a change room judging by the heap of clothes on the floor and likely does not have any money for the dress or it would be a mirror shot from the comfort of her own bathroom.
Epsilonyx 15
You are all such pricks and bullies.
Epsilonyx 15
I'm pretty sure calling a 14 year old girl a **** is bullying, be it true or not. That logic only perpetuates harassment, and it doesn't help that suicide is rampant among teenagers.
Senseless_487 29
Then teenagers these days need to quit being such *******. Every generation has had to deal with bullies, and you guys need to learn to deal with it.
Epsilonyx 15
I'm almost positive emotion is intrinsically related to humanity, so people will react whether or not you want them to. If your solution is "stop being a pussy" instead of "don't bully", there's a serious problem.
trina101 0
I agree
ultrarandomalex 2
Maybe she did
Furrywhiplash 14
I agree with 8. She could have just hit the kid instead. I figured that is what you were implying, since there are no other choices besides verbal and physical abuse.
docscientist 10
178- swearing after the kid bites you is not verbal abuse. I doubt the kid was damaged in any sort of way short or long term...
flawrblah 0
Its ridiculous how all the witty comments to this dumbass got deleted.
xXxIracebethxXx 14
209 - You don't know what the OP said. She swore AT her kid. I'm assuming she could have used just about any phrase from, "mother ******!" to "you ******* son of a bitch don't bite my ass!" So, I agree with 178 that it is considered verbal abuse.
affamigo13 1
Ya but it just comes out natrually
ifknh8usernames 7
woah 224.. this just about the only comment of yours I've ever seen that wasn't thumbed down.
DanielRamos18 0
Coming from a girl that takes a picture with the clothes she's trying on in a fitting room-_-
lolipop1234_fml 7
Awkward, let's just pray you weren't saying Jesus and god while swearing.
FMLoverAgain 7
I think he said Jesus ******* Christ
PicklesMcRaptor 0
So what if she did?
KeyboardWarrior 10
Why are you so defensive? Maybe it's wrong? What's it to you?
nick94n 8
Well now you can both ask for forgiveness