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Meanwhile, in Westboro…

By maconda99 - 06/04/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, I was ringing up a lady and her daughter at the shoe store I work at. The background on my nametag is a rainbow, and when the daughter saw it, she asked her mother why it was so. Her mother looked at my nametag, then me, then turned to her daughter and said, "Because he hates God, honey". FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 077

You deserved it 5 208

What were the odds?

By Anonymous - 03/10/2023 00:02 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I fell off my truck and landed on one of the stakes my wife uses to keep her plants upright. I landed on it so perfectly that it went through my shorts and perfectly straight up my asshole for a good 4 inches before it snapped. My wife helpfully removed it, but I still spent a night in hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 150

So touching…

By weddinggirl - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, my boyfriend of five years finally asked me to marry him. He said, "We could save on taxes if we got married… What do you think?" That was the most romantic thing he's said to me in the last two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 740

You deserved it 10 199

By bambam - 12/05/2014 16:01 - United States - League City

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 358

You deserved it 6 258

By Dude - 02/04/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I got laid off from work. I was being escorted to the elevator when another coworker stepped inside. He said, "How goes it?" I said, "It goes." Then he said, "At least we have a job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 180

You deserved it 3 683

What a hunt

By nickcedola40 - 04/04/2013 00:24 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheelchair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 172

You deserved it 34 096

By esv - 01/04/2009 09:18 - United States

Today, I went to the laundromat for the first time. I fit all of my clothes into two washers. Not knowing where to put the soap in, I asked a man doing his laundry, "Excuse me, where do I put the soap in?". He replied, "Ma'am, those are the dryers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 606

You deserved it 80 177

By ananomus - 22/08/2010 04:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 271

You deserved it 5 945

Get back here!

By catgirl911 - 13/10/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 199

You deserved it 25 178

Gassy

By Anonymous - 10/07/2022 06:00

Today, we had cabbage. A lot of cabbage. The farts are so horrid I can barely stand myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 283

By Anonymous - 31/03/2013 04:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 287

You deserved it 2 830

By Merlin - 17/04/2012 17:37 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 700

You deserved it 2 362

Annoyed

By musicman2005 - 30/03/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 960

You deserved it 64 544

By Still Dry - 18/08/2010 02:01 - United States

Today, I went to a water park, and the fee to get in was $39.95. Once I got in I was really thirsty, so I got a soda and then I hear over the intercom that the park is closing due to a clog in the cleaning system. I paid 43.67 for a soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 470

You deserved it 4 251

By 86145 - 16/08/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my friends were all sharing sweet things their boyfriends had shared with them. After hearing "he says I look pretty without makeup" or "he promises we'll get married one day", I realized that the only compliment he's given me is that my laughter "sounds like a squirrel having a seizure." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 649

You deserved it 5 679

Social services

By Anonymous - 18/07/2022 06:00

Today, at work I had to handle two selfish parents returning their adopted 6 year-old daughter to foster care because, “She doesn’t, like, fit with our lifestyle, and my mom is, like, too old to babysit her anymore and we, like, can’t afford a nanny.” I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 089

You deserved it 129

By Blaisey - 21/04/2014 17:25 - Canada - Duncan

Today, my drug addict of a roommate convinced herself my red kitten was Pennywise the clown in disguise waiting to kill her, and hit him over the head with a pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 195

You deserved it 5 522

Blaisey tells us more.

Blaisey 22

Tuesday 22 April 2014 15:44

Hey guys, OP here. I talked to my landlord about my roommate a few hours ago. She's a very sweet older lady, and she was in tears when I told her what happened. My roommate now has 48 hours to get out. I took Paprika to the vet right away, and they said she'll most likely survive, but it's possible she'll have brain damage. She woke up in the car on the way there (after a good ten minutes of not moving, I was so afraid she didn't make it) but they gave her something to make her sleep for awhile. Thank you all for your support!

Handy

By screwed - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 253

You deserved it 12 254

By SierraDiaz2097 - 23/03/2013 05:44 - United States - Vardaman

Today, I sneezed. My boyfriend told me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 650

You deserved it 9 669

By pleasestop - 11/06/2011 08:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 229

You deserved it 3 426

By laurwitharawr - 06/10/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 457

You deserved it 4 442

By bman - 07/04/2012 06:41 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 973

You deserved it 50 297

Gun control

By grant b - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 731

You deserved it 6 166

Follow through

By Anonymous - 21/07/2022 16:00

Today, my kid was on an app that makes fart noises. After too many minutes of this, I wrestled the phone away. He then went on to make real farts. Stinky ones. Then, had the inevitable shart, along with hysterical laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 282

By worker666 - 13/04/2014 14:51 - United States

Today, my coworker tried to convince my boss that I'm not human. Her examples of how I'm influenced by demons included how I don't wear a jacket in the winter, and that I once got a nosebleed from sneezing. My boss thinks she's hilarious and is playing along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 927

You deserved it 4 257

By Anonymous - 04/08/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 383

You deserved it 7 955

By Spanishredhead - 03/10/2009 10:31 - United States

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 207

You deserved it 3 902

Duchamp would be proud

By Anonymous - 23/09/2019 12:00

Today, my five year-old niece thought that it would be acceptable to carve her artwork all over our toilet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 18:55 - United States - Escondido

Today, I have the flu. I had to wash the dishes, cook dinner, take out the trash, and take care of the laundry, all while my wife sat around watching TV, because she was "too tired". I work 8 hours a day. She's a college student. She doesn't see what's so unfair about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 427

You deserved it 8 247

By nick - 22/03/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I was on a cruise and fell asleep next to the pool. I had an intense dream that I had fallen off into the ocean. I rolled off my sun chair into the water and woke up screaming uncontrollably, I thought I was in the ocean. I was in the kiddy pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 278

You deserved it 13 311

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The Top

The Top

Today, I saw my boyfriend wiping his nose with his hand and then using the snot to gel back his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 677

You deserved it 5 073

Today, despite years of paranoid checking, I forgot to check my towel for spiders after my shower. Two crawled onto me, and I'm pretty sure there's one somewhere in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 185

You deserved it 5 527

Today, a guy drove straight into an intersection, running a stop sign and narrowly missing my car. I had to swerve into a snow bank to avoid him. He stopped long enough to see that I had a toddler in my car, before flipping me off and driving away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 358

You deserved it 3 671

Today, while at a concert, my boyfriend got mad and jealous because I kept looking at the singer instead of him. He still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 683

You deserved it 6 748

Today, I got an e-mail from a guy I'd had a one night stand with. He wanted to get together to talk about it. Turns out he's in rehab and he wanted to address the biggest mistakes he'd ever made in his life. I am a on a drug addict's list of regrets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 234

You deserved it 14 840

Today, I'm so chronically sleep-deprived that I sprayed a bathroom air freshener under my arms instead of my deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 203